Atlantic Canada — You may be a fat piece of shit who has done nothing but drink and watch trash TV while quarantined, but that doesn’t mean your friends need to know the truth.
Jump on the bandwagon and lie online about a bunch of elevating, fulfilling activities you’re enjoying in solitude and with your family.
- Cooking: Get that Hamburger Helper out of the frame because you’ve got some fake culinary achievements to brag about to the internet! It’s best to start with a boring preamble about how you’re taking this time to better yourself and improve the well-being of your entire family with balanced — yet delicious! — new recipes. Post with a picture of, oh, I don’t know…a celery stalk, a tomato, a clove of garlic, some olive oil, and there! You’re a pretend chef who’ll be the envy of all of Instagram.
- Yoga: Clear the dirty laundry out of one small section of your living room, put on some Lululemons, and have your partner take a picture of you doing that dumb pose (it doesn’t matter what it’s called because you’re not actually going to be doing any yoga) with prayer hands and your eyes closed, as if in deep contemplation. People will think you’re some kind of spiritual guru, and what more can a simple shut-in like you ask for?
- Reading: It’s the perfect time to say you’re catching up on classics such as Crime and Punishment or Ulysses because if anyone follows up with your claim, you’re at home and can Google the synopsis in about 2 seconds. Might as well break out the big guns and say you’re re-reading the Bible, start to finish. Who’s going to know? Go ahead and remind your followers that in times of struggle, we need to remain strong and return to our faith…and omit the part where you fell asleep by page 3. If you don’t think anyone will buy you as a religious scholar, you could just post a skanky pic with a book in the shot. For did Jesus not say, “Blessed are the Insta-hoes, for they shall inherit the most followers”?
- Painting: This one is tricky because you kind of need to post a photo of the painting itself if you’re going to attempt to bullshit all your friends into believing you’re the modern-day Monet. You could just say it soils the integrity of the artwork to expose it to social media? Just spit-balling, here.
- Taking care of your children: If social media is to be believed — and it’s not — coming up with something for your kids to do is a brand-new notion. Invent some old-timey, wholesome craft involving Popsicle sticks and cotton balls or whatever junk you have lying around, give these to your child just long enough to take a picture, and write a caption like: “The silver lining in all this is the ability to slow down and appreciate the little things, like playing with this precious munchkin.” Then you can immediately go back to scrolling Facebook and plunk the kid in front of their iPad.
- Going for a walk: This is another age-old activity that has seen a resurgence during the COVID-19 outbreak. Well — pretending to enjoy the outdoors has seen a resurgence, that is. Why don’t you outdo your neighbour by walking over to the ditch across the street and taking a selfie in snowshoes, and posting it with a sanctimonious little rant about how you require the cleansing effects of Mother Nature and that vigorous physical activity is the only thing keeping you sane, etc.? Does it even matter anymore?
If you didn’t post about it, it didn’t happen — so make the most of your quarantine by pretend-partaking in these pastimes with all your friends and followers.
*Editor’s note: We totally forgot to include sewing in this list! We want everyone to know that we at The Manatee are sewing a lot — mastering the art, in fact — during this time, because apparently this is Little House on the Prairie.