Earth — Several of our solar system’s planets are getting fed up with listening to Earth go on and on about her latest cleanse. In a video posted to Facebook by Earth on March 24, the planet can be seen boasting about how easy and delicious her new cleanse is.
“Hi friends!” she greeted viewers cheerfully from her sunny kitchen in the solar system. She stared into the camera with her deep ocean-blue eyes.
“Today I want to show you all just how easy it is to make my special new shake. I just add some yummy greens like spinach or kale to a blender, then empty in this packet of Invigorating Green COVID-19® powder, and then finally pour in a fun splash of coconut water.
“Blend it all up and there you your breakfast, lunch and dinner for each day! Bonus: it doesn’t taste like grass and you’ll never feel hungry! After 14 days on this diet, you’ll start eliminating toxins, like the nasty homo-sapiens that can make you feel sluggish.
“As an added bonus, you’ll even lose a bit of weight once enough of them are eliminated from your system!”
Earth went on to explain that she was looking for other planets to join her on an exciting 3-12 month challenge. She stated that she was starting a Facebook Group for the Green COVID-19® cleanse, and would be inviting all of her closest friends in the solar system.
“It would be fun to see how long we could all do this thing together!” she exclaimed.
We spoke to Mercury who is arguably closest to Earth. “Look, I know Earth has been going through some hard times and maybe she feels that a silly cleanse will make her look and feel better. But the rest of us eight (or nine) planets just don’t have any toxic species like she does. I keep telling her it would be a waste of money.”
Neptune, who isn’t close to Earth, was visibly annoyed. “I know she’s been going through hard times, but a pyramid scheme? Really? FFS, Gaia.”
“This is total BS!” yelled Uranus, spinning his rings in anger. “First it was Amway, then she was onto Herbalife, then Plexus, and now this! I think she’s just in it for the free cruises promised to top salespeople. Doesn’t she realize all intergalactic cruises have been cancelled?!”
Pluto had a bit more empathy for Earth. “I once did a similar type of cleanse. I was able to rid myself of all my toxins and lost a ton of weight too! I became so small they finally started calling me a ‘dwarf planet’ in 2006. It was great!”
Venus, the brightest of the planets, was the last to weigh in. “I quite like the homo-sapiens, to be honest. They have a lot more potential than anyone realizes, including them. Fiercely resilient and determined, I believe they will come together to combat Earth’s latest cleanse.
“They will come out even stronger on the other side of this too, I just know it.”