Fredericton — Karen, the capital city’s Regional Double Diamond CEO of an MLM company that she doesn’t actually own, is sounding the alarm on COVID-19.
“We are in grave danger in this province,” she told us. “We don’t have the appropriate virus-fighting mechanisms in place to ward off this pandemic. I just got back from my all-inclusive two-day cruise to the Bahamas, and I just can’t believe what I am seeing.”
Karen went on to explain to Manatee staff how, despite meeting the guidelines to self-quarantine, she instead coated herself in her magical oils and snuck into the ER to make sure that the situation was being handled correctly.
“Let me just say, I was horrified! Not a single oil diffuser in sight, not a single salt lamp to light my way. Don’t these people know that aside from drinking a glass of water to rinse the virus from your system, the next best line of defense is DoTERRA On Guard?”
Andrea MacLaren, a triage nurse at the DECH, was willing to take some time to address this apparent glaring oversight.
“Oh, oily Karen in bed 7? I’m surprised she’s still complaining in between gasping for breaths. Covid is taking her down pretty hard. She keeps yelling about oils and salt lamps every time she rips her oxygen mask off. I would like to assure the public that we will get through this pandemic without the use of hokey fake ‘cures’ like this.”
We contacted the DECH emergency response team to look into whether they were aware of Karen’s findings. Bobby Read, manager of emergency operations, took 20 seconds to address our concerns in between maintaining staff levels, ensuring availability of personal protective equipment, and freeing up hospital beds.
“Grab a clue and get the hell out of my office,” he said.