New Brunswick — With New Brunswick’s population rising as more and more people move to the Picture Province, what began as merely worried grumblings among New Brunswickers is now on track to become a horrifying reality. Data and population growth analyst Dr. Steven Maguire predicts that snotty Torontonians and other fancy-pants Ontarians who are moving by the droves into New Brunswick will poison the province’s rich culture with their big-city snobbery.
“We’re already seeing a bunch of arrogant douchebags appearing in our bars, telling anyone who’ll listen about how ‘quaint’ and ‘cute’ our province is. Frig off with that crap!” said Maguire, who has PhDs in both sociology and mathematics.
“We’re not backwater hicks. Well, some of us are, but the rest of us are just as educated and worldly as you hipsters who spend all your time sitting in coffee shops pretending to work remotely as ‘content aggregation gurus’ or some other bullshit job.”
One such hipster told The Manatee that the influx of his fellow Ontarians is actually a boon to New Brunswick.
“In big cities like Toronto we get a lot more exposure to various cultures and perspectives that you don’t in cute little folksy places like New Brunswick,” said Ryan Foster, who just moved to Moncton from Toronto after buying a house without having seen it first.
“Anytime I go out I like to educate nearby New Brunswickers about the latest trends, or open their minds to all the forward-thinking ideas we discuss back home. I enjoy knowing that I’m making the province a bit better day by day.”
Maguire points to New Brunswickers who move to Toronto, fail, then come back home as a prime example of how toxic the slightest exposure to Ontario can be. “Anyone who goes to Onterrible comes back thinking they’re big fish in a small pond and that they have all this worldly experience,” said Maguire, rolling his eyes.
“They don’t. There’s just more people and most of them are terrible. That’s it.”
Maguire is imploring New Brunswickers to background check any potential homebuyers and not sell to them if they’re from Ontario.