Fredericton — No good deed goes unpunished, according to New Brunswick Premier Susan Holt.
With gas set to hit $2.00 per litre for regular unleaded today, Holt has been left exasperated by the soaring prices at the pump.
“No matter what I do, the price of gas just keeps rising!” Holt lamented.
“I tried to remove the carbon adjuster, and that got cancelled harder than Louis C.K.!
“Then, we figured out this ingenious way to reduce gas by 10 cents per litre, and Trump smashed that like a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese! It’s like it never even happened! I was hoping to cruise on those good vibes for at least a few more months. Now it’s ruined!
“At this point, I’m not entirely sure that this whole Strait of Hormuz thing isn’t somehow partially my fault,” Holt moaned.
If the rate of increase stays consistent, regular unleaded gasoline prices will reach $2.50 per litre by Labour Day. The trajectory has the premier’s team pitching some unconventional solutions.
“Herron thinks I should try the ‘George Costanza opposite’ strategy, where we raise gas prices to see if they go back down. And Dornan keeps talking about ‘collaborative care driving,’ which I think is ‘carpooling.’ I mean, what the hell…I’ll try anything at this point.”
Holt is also unimpressed with the contributions from the opposition parties. “Austin keeps saying ‘Frack, baby, frack!’ to every single problem — even when they run out of Jell-O in the cafeteria.
“And Hogan says the problem is ‘Girl cars are getting boy gasoline.’ I honestly don’t know what that means.”