Moncton — With the Moncton mayoral election just months away, new candidates are now beginning to enter the race in a serious way. Incumbent Mayor Dawn Arnold has yet to officially announce whether she intends to re-offer for the position, but if she does, she is still considered to be the frontrunner.
Or, at least, she was. Today, polls show that Arnold is currently neck-and-bun with a new, hotshot candidate who has just moved to New Brunswick’s largest city after serving 12 consecutive terms as mayor of McDonaldland: H.R. McCheese.
“There was just so little left to do in McDonaldland,” He told The Manatee. “Aging population, urban gentrificatiion — hell, even the once-great McNugget Parkway is now almost entirely comprised of retirement complexes.”
The former mayor is not the only mascot moving away from the fast-food industry into the realm of Canadian politics. Just last month it was announced that KidVid, heir apparent to the Burger King throne, would be stepping back from the royal BK family and moving to Ontario with his wife and son.
McCheese explained why he felt that Moncton was the next logical step for a journeyman politician.
“I’ve seen the people of Moncton,” he said, shrugging and placing his feet on the desk. “Y’all are clearly not weighed down by outside political pressures to be more ‘healthy’ or ‘ethical.’ I tell you, in a town like this? I could net in some serious business interest.”
Just then, McCheese’s political adviser Grimace (a well-known and celebrated political fixer), burst into the room waving a manila file over his head.
“Bad news, sir,” he said, in his familiar, goofy drawl. “Ms. Arnold’s biggest financial donor for the upcoming election has been discovered by our people.”
“So?” said McCheese, chuckling. “Who gives a shit who pays her bills? No business cares that much about small-town municipal politics.”
“Sir…It’s Wendy,” said Grimace, his tone deadly serious. “Of Wendy’s.”
A palpable silence fell over the room. The former McDonaldland mayor removed his legs from the desk, and slowly stood up.
“Fuck!” he cried, spraying condiments across his desk as he sputtered. “Fuck. That bitch has been trying to undercut me every step of my career, with her ‘square burgers,’ and her ‘where’s the beef’ bullshit. I’ll tell you where the beef is — the beef is right here.”
At this point, the former mayor grabbed what are presumably his genitals.
“Fuck it,” he said, sitting down. “We’ll do what we’ve always done. Everything she says she’s going to do, we’ll do it cheaper. Get that message out immediately. Hamburglar? See what you can dig up on Arnold — we’re going to have to get dirty. McDonald’s deep fryer dirty. The game is on.”
Despite the apparent stress of the situation, McCheese seemed to be invigorated by the bad news.
“Goddamn I love politics,” he said, flashing a crooked, greasy smile. “I mean, Ba-da-da-da-daaah, I’m killin’ it.”