Bioluminescent mammals popular with NB motorists

Lepreau — Driving in New Brunswick can be problematic at best. This holiday season, however, motorists are singing the praises of the Department of Natural Resources for its initiative to induce bioluminescence in large mammals.

Minister Denis Landry stated that the initiative gained traction when his department found an unlikely ally in NB Power. “NB Power has been having a rough couple of decades,” claimed Landry. “When I found reports of excess nuclear waste from Point Lepreau clogging my paper shredder, I knew it was time to take action.”

My beautiful pictureLandry gave reporters from The Manatee an exhaustive tour of his underground laboratory. “Our scientists worked day and night to find an acceptable use for the excess nuclear waste produced at Point Lepreau,” bellowed Landry from his hazmat suit. “After years of testing, we’ve developed a chemical cocktail that safely induces bioluminescence in mammals. We inject the animals while affixing their electronic migration tags. It’s a two-for-one deal!”

Safety concerns were put to rest when a study confirmed that the initiative coincided with a significant decrease in highway accidents. For some motorists, glowing animals are a dream come true. “Oh, it’s the best thing ever,” blurted Annie LeBlanc from her Pontiac Sunbird. “I’m not afraid to speed on that awful Saint John highway anymore.”

Injecting wildlife with toxic waste is always controversial. Animal rights activist Blair Thompson remains skeptical: “This chemical injection practice is abhorrent. Why couldn’t they just drape the animals with tinsel?”

Hunter-gatherer Ernie Blackwell has noticed a big difference in the forests. “Them glowing deer sure are easy to shoot,” he mused while plucking a shard of chicken from his beard. “I just wish they’d’ve done this before I blew my last pogie cheque on that fancy Swarovski rifle scope I found on Kijiji.”

This method of waste management has been so successful that the New Brunswick government is already in talks to import radioactive waste from the United States.