Breaking: Christmas sweater record attempt ends in disaster

Fredericton — Reports of panic and chaos are coming out of Fredericton today following a failed attempt to break the world record for most Christmas sweaters worn at one time. Sources are unclear exactly what caused the horrific accident, but several eyewitnesses at the event say that the man making the record attempt appears to have spontaneously combusted after successfully fitting on 236 holiday-themed sweaters.

“After he struggled for several minutes to put on that last one, you could start to hear this low rumbling,” said Mark Jessup, still trembling from the tragic event. “And then there was this huge explosion. People were screaming … running, some people fell and were trampled over … burning shards of fabric were everywhere. It was just terrible.”

In a statement to the press, RCMP Sgt. Adam Leblanc explained: “From what we’ve gathered so far, this does not appear to be an act of terrorism or the result of any explosive device. We can’t confirm anything at this time, but the evidence seems to indicate the explosion happened as a result of the extreme pressure and friction caused by the sheer number of woolen materials this man had forced around himself. When the blast occurred, shards of this material appear to have been sent out at a very high velocity, severely injuring many and causing significant structural damage.”

After struggling to compose himself, Sgt. Leblanc added: “In my 32 years as an officer, this is the worst sweater-related tragedy I’ve witnessed in 2 decades.”

Sadly, this marks the second occasion disaster has hit the province’s capital following a horribly botched effort at gaining a Guinness Book of World Records title. In 1962 an attempt at making the world’s largest lemon meringue pie resulted in 78 fatalities and the destruction of several city blocks.

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