New Brunswick — Thanks to the amazing heroics of New Brunswick’s debonair premier, Enbridge Gas has reportedly dropped its $800-million lawsuit against the provincial government.
As reported by Global News early Saturday morning, the energy giant and the province have reached a deal that will “save the asses of everyone in New Brunswick” according to Premier Gallant.
Enbridge was suing the provincial government for passing a bill in 2011 that altered the company’s previous contract, which had enabled them to compete with the Irvings as the number one energy provider in the Picture Province.
“After they backed out of the original contract to appease the Irvings, we had no hope to be competitive or profitable,” expressed Gary Power, an aptly named representative from Enbridge. “We were regulated to making just a few billion dollars in profit each year since then, when were accustomed to making multiple billions.”
Gallant was beaming while meeting with reporters after the deal was struck and made sure to give credit were he felt it was due.
“It was all me — 100 percent,” he gloated. “The previous government messed things up and I fixed everything and saved us all.”
Gallant called this is one of the more proud moments in his political career. “This ranks right up there with when I found out that I was getting a free phone as part of my premier’s package. I was so tired of paying those data over-use charges each month.”
The premier explained that he was willing to “meet for hours” and even “reschedule a hair appointment” to make this deal happen.
“I knew how important it was for New Brunswickers to actually see me accomplish something,” he continued, “and, I did it — I actually did it. See? I don’t always do whatever the Irvings want me to do!”
Details of the agreement have yet to be released, but Gallant assured us that he’ll continue to “kick ass in the name of being awesome.”
Our reporter asked Gallant what made him successful where previous attempts at agreements had failed.
“I knew that I had to be the hero that New Brunswick was looking for, not the hero I wanted to be,” he proclaimed somewhat oddly. “And so, even though I’m more of a Superman fan, I watched all of the Christopher Nolan Batman movies the night before our meeting and I knew that I was ready to fight for justice.”