Canadian Navy to replace beleaguered marine fleet with militarized cruise ships

Canadian Navy to replace beleaguered marine fleet with militarized cruise ships

Ottawa — With many of the Royal Canadian’s Navy’s vessels beginning to show their age, the country is forced to consider the future need for expensive military equipment after retiring their current fleet.

Additionally, while the global COVID pandemic put a quick stop to the cruise ship business last year, consumer trends, mishaps and a recent banning in Italy suggest that the industry might be facing a more permanent reckoning.

With this in mind, a solution for both the declining cruise industry and the Canadian military soon presented itself.

“We will be purchasing 15 top-of-the-line cruise ships to expand our fleet,” explained Lieutenant-General Wayne Eyre. “We believe that acting now and making the purchase at this time will be saving the taxpayers a tremendous amount of money, while restoring our Navy’s military might.” 

This bears out. At $20 million per ship, the total cost of the acquisition will be only $300 million. Even accounting for the cost of militarizing the vessels, this will still be far below the projected $60 billion the country had planned to spend on new warships.

Defence officials have outlined that the dance floor will be reconfigured as a military training floor, the restaurants will become mess halls, and the “Kidz Zones” will be restructured to become “Military Detention Centrez.” The gyms and water parks will remain largely unchanged, however.

“Perhaps these new ships will not have the same defensive capabilities we would typically expect from a more traditional fleet,” said Eyre. “Still, our new cruise line has two clear benefits that outweigh all other considerations.”

He glanced around the room, displaying a meaningful half-smile. 

“Bottomless tequila and chicken tenders.” 

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