Canada — As the curtain falls on another federal election campaign, Canadians have told politicians that they don’t really trust any of them enough to run things by themselves.
Like a child who’s only allowed to use the stove when their parents are at home, yesterday Canadians reduced the Liberal government to minority status.
And while Conservatives received more votes overall and gained over 20 seats, they were just underwhelming enough to be given no governing responsibility whatsoever.
“It’s like Justin Trudeau is their half-boyfriend,” said political scientist Malcolm Richardson. “They like him enough to do boyfriend things with but they definitely consider themselves half-single.
“And as for Andrew Scheer — he’s been ‘friend-zoned.’ He’s like that nerdy guy who is nice enough to hang around with, but he’s obviously not ‘boyfriend material.'”
The only politician who saw an increase in power was Jagmeet Singh. He was just okay enough to win a reduced 24 seats, which allows the NDP to form a coalition with the Liberals to keep the minority government afloat.
“Trudeau and Singh need each other,” said Richardson. “Singh is that guy that Trudeau doesn’t really like, but he’s the only one who owns a car and he’s willing to drive you places. And, Singh knows that if he wants to go to the cool parties, he’d better show up with Justin or he’s not getting in. These two will be governing ‘frienemies‘ for the next 18 to 24 months.
“Elizabeth May’s party is more relevant than it has ever been, and yet still not relevant at all,” explained Richardson. “She’s like that awkward girl who got her name in the paper for winning the national spelling bee. Everyone is saying ‘Good for you!’, but at the end of the day her status is completely unchanged.
“Quebec went back to their ‘on-again off-again’ relationship with bad-boy Bloc Quebecois. This relationship may last for days or years — it’s exciting and volatile, and it’s going to make all of its friends very worried about it.
“Finally, the People’s Party creeps thankfully were relegated back under the bridge, where they will vape and say objectionable things for attention to their other loser friends.
“So if nothing else, we can still have faith that Canadians saw through the People’s Party’s bullshit grievances and rejected their shithead ideas. Democracy works!” he concluded.