Cancellation of DNA machines ‘definitely not’ alien conspiracy: Boudreau

Fredericton — New Brunswick Health Minister Victor Boudreau is denying allegations that the cancellation of advanced new DNA sequencing equipment is part of an ongoing conspiracy against the public.

In recent days, Boudreau nixed the purchase of the cutting-edge medical equipment, saying that existing capacity already exists with the sequencing equipment in Moncton. However, the dramatic under-use of the Moncton facilities has some New Brunswickers questioning why the government is discouraging genetic testing of citizens, and whether they might have hidden motives.

dnaLast week, the New Brunswick government rejected a $900,000 gift from the Saint John Regional Hospital Foundation to purchase advanced, new DNA sequencing machines to be placed in the Horizon Health Network. These machines can be used in the fight against cancer by identifying the genetic composition of tumours and allowing for targeted therapies to be designed for patients. The government said that new machines weren’t necessary because adequate capacity already existed at the Dr. Georges-L.-Dumont Hospital in Moncton.

The Vitalité Health Network says it has 2 genetic sequencers inside the molecular genetics lab at the Dumont Hospital, dedicated to clinical testing of patients; however, even though the Moncton machines cost $700,000 annually to operate and have capacity for 13,000 tests per year, Vitalité only performed about 150 tests last year. Even if Moncton absorbed all of Saint John’s genetic testing, that number would grow to only 400 cases per year, or about 3 percent of the equipment’s current capacity.

“One has to ask why the province is so rarely doing genetic testing,” said Green Party Leader David Coon. “Why do we have advanced genetic testing equipment that costs $700,000 per year to operate, and we are only using 3 percent of its capacity? What is the government hiding? What are they afraid of?”

During an exclusive interview with The Manatee, Boudreau claimed that the reluctance to purchase more equipment was solely based on the 97 percent unused capacity in the Moncton facility. “It’s not like we are trying to prevent genetic sequencing of New Brunswickers to cover up a burgeoning alien invasion where the visitors only appear to be human but are really a sentient species unknown to this planet,” stammered Boudreau, laughing nervously. A bead of sweat trickled from his brow. “That’s crazy, right?”

“I mean, we love genetic testing. Seriously,” he claimed, ostensibly growing more uncomfortable. “We definitely don’t do so few tests to cover up the existence of thousands of alien militia cyborgs who walk amongst us, ready to strike at a moment’s notice to force the human population into slavery and extinction. Definitely not!”

Trembling a bit, Boudreau scoffed, “Oh yeah, like King’s Landing is really a secret alien military base, preparing for the annihilation of the human species and the eventual colonization of the province by the off-worlders’ parasitic offspring growing in the intestines of unwitting New Brunswickers, who became secretly impregnated during their visits to any New Brunswick hospital.”

Before the interview with the health minister could continue, 2 aides came in to usher Boudreau away for “an important briefing.” As he was lead out of his office by the men in black suits with reptilian tails, he turned to mouth some words to the reporter, who said it appeared to be some sort of plea for help… or maybe just gas — really, it’s impossible to know for sure.

Victor Boudreau has not been available for additional interviews of any type since that meeting, and resigned the next day. Also, the genetic testing equipment in Moncton has been taken offline for repairs and upgrades until further notice.

  1. This theory is about as likely as whatever is really holding the NB gov’t back from giving the go ahead.


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