Chipman — Sunday afternoon in a small village an hour north of Fredericton, residents gathered in celebration of the already-most-celebrated group of people on Earth: straight people. The village mayor proudly erected what is being called a “straight pride flag” because he was unable to find a Confederate flag in time for the ceremony.
Village council voted to raise a Confederate flag in celebration of its straight population, as it was deemed that “anyone who loves the Confederation is probably straight as an arrow too, because that’s the way God intends people to be — straight and white.”
“For far too long the straight people of Chipman, New Brunswick have been segregated and repressed,” declared the elated Mayor Carson Atkinson. “And now is the time to take a stand and fight for the rights of straight people everywhere! Let’s come together as one and drink beer, talk about football, shoot deer and ducks, wear camouflaged clothing, and get into fistfights over who has the best truck. It’s not about what straight people can do for you, it’s about what you can do for straight people.”
Atkinson reportedly came up with the plan to celebrate the straights last week upon hearing about a local teenager who attended a Pride event in Fredericton.
“My neighbour told me that his son’s friend from the city was telling him all about the parties they were having and I thought we should be able to party, too. I thought the obvious step was to get a Confederate flag to raise, but I couldn’t find one quickly enough — they don’t sell them at the Save Easy here, apparently. So, I called up my sister and she made me a straight flag using her pillow case. She said she just made a stencil out of her Alpine box and used the same spraypaint she had left over from painting her car not too long ago.”
When the aforementioned sister was asked about the creation of the new flag, she told our reporter that she simplified her original plan.
“I was initially going to draw the Confederate one,” she admitted, “But really, I thought all those stars looked a little too gay.”
Atkinson said the new flag shows straight black lines over a white background to contrast the “other pride flag that looks like a rainbow.”
When asked if he had considered ordering a flag online, Atkinson claimed to never have heard of Amazon and said he doesn’t have an internet connection anyway.
Onlookers cheered as the flag was lifted to full-mast Sunday at the local marina. Newly elected MLA for the area, Kris Austin, was in attendance for the flag-raising and echoed his support for the celebration.
“Yes, I’m absolutely in favour of this initiative,” Austin told our reporter. “I think it’s important that all New Brunswickers feel as though they can celebrate their culture and their background and beliefs — unless they’re French, of course.”