Atlantic Canada — Progressive Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer says he will present his party’s climate change plan by the end of life as we know it on the blue planet, at the very latest.
Speaking to reporters gathered at the legislature in Fredericton, N.B., Scheer said that talk is cheap but that action is what the PC party is all about.
“I know we said we’d reveal our plan — and we do have a plan, believe me — by the end of spring, but I just got busy and shit kept coming up, so now that’s being pushed slightly. Now the goal is to let everyone in on it sometime between this summer and the demise of humankind, assuming that’s not happening this year.”
A critic in the crowd interrupted to say it seems Scheer has no plan, which is why he’s postponing its revelation.
“Speaking of Revelations, did you know that in the Bible, God promises a new heaven and a new earth? So why are we so wrapped up in preserving this old Earth?” Scheer digressed. “I mean, it’s not that great. It’s all dirty and too warm, and it seems like every day you hear about flooding and earthquakes and tsunamis and other natural disasters…why are we trying to keep this thing on life support, anyway? Pull the plug, I say.
“But,” he added, shrugging, “if Canadians are determined to save this Earth, then the least I can do is come up with some kind of a plan of action. Vote Conservative in this fall’s election to find out what it is!”
Climate scientists unanimously agree that we’re in crisis mode, and if drastic action isn’t taken to reverse or at least halt the effects of climate change, the results will be dire.
“The time for action is now,” said Shirley Delvan, a climate researcher in the crowd. “We can’t keep waiting on politicians to decide it suits their platform to throw together an environmental strategy. We certainly can’t wait until the end of the world…”
“Like I said, it won’t be that long!” interrupted Scheer, looking even more like an evil baby than usual. “It’ll be sometime before we all die a horrible death. I just don’t know when exactly! So for now, I’d say it’s safe to keep reproducing like crazy and consuming single-use plastics and throwing everything away and burning a tank of gas a day…business as usual.”
Scheer said that, while he can’t disclose details at this time, his climate plan is loosely based on the Book of Revelation, and that he will reveal it to Canadians by the time the apocalyptic events in the book play out on Earth.
“If you see four horsemen showing up, fire raining down from the sky, angels with trumpets — anything like that — you’ll know that I’ve already revealed my plan for saving the planet, and that you just weren’t paying attention.”