Consumers feign outrage at NB Liquor solicitation ban

Fredericton — NB Liquor has announced a plan to ban solicitors in all its stores by June 2015, prompting some of the Crown corporation’s customers to act outraged.

For years, charitable organizations have been asking for a handout as patrons leave stores, with some even parking themselves outside the entrance, requesting donations from patrons before they can enter. As of Jan. 1, NB Liquor will be enforcing a new “passive solicitation policy” that will forbid minors – even when accompanied by an adult – from soliciting in the stores.

“We hear time and time again from our customers that they don’t enjoy being solicited,” explained NB Liquor spokesperson Margaret Sully. “It’s funny; it’s only now that we’ve unveiled this plan that people are claiming to be upset about the ban of solicitors. I’m surprised, really.”

A reporter from The Manatee interrupted Jeff Anderson, 53, as he was strolling up to the cash in NB Liquor’s York Street location in Fredericton yesterday afternoon. “Yeah, it’s terrible that they’re not gonna be letting kids ask adults for their leftover beer money,” he fabricated. “I don’t know how they’re ever supposed to play sports if guys like me aren’t chucking them some dimes and nickels to help them get some new uniforms, at least.”

He then instinctively darted his eyes downward and said “…’scuse me, I need to get going, sorry, I only have debit,” and hurried past the small group of middle school students who were nestled amongst a display of Moosehead products, imploring him for a Loonie or two.

While a few customers have admitted their relief, the province is mainly made up of those feigning absolute outrage over the new regulation, calling it a “disservice to volunteers.”

“One thing about it is, charities won’t be able to bring their animals in here anymore,” Barb Johnson, 34, told our reporter, her eyes puffy and red from her extreme pet-hair allergy. “I’m deathly allergic to pretty much everything, but that doesn’t mean…” she fibbed against all logic, unable to finish her sentence as her throat was closing up due to the proximity of the service dog near the store’s exit.

Rose Stewart was standing in line to purchase a 4-pack of Bacardi Breezers, and threw in her two cents to the province-wide falsehood. “Why let people decide to give money to an organization they believe in and do so in a manner that suits them, when the charity can just approach the person in a public setting? Seems effective, if anything,” she invented.

“It’s truly unfair,” she lied, juggling her groceries and drinks to find some spare change in her purse.

Fifteen-year-old Sally Frum said that getting money to fund her school team’s trip to Montreal will be a lot harder now. “If we can’t guilt people, we won’t get money. People buying booze are already feeling pretty guilty, so they’re an easy mark. Now we have to go back to door-to-door campaigning and deal with people pretending they aren’t home.”

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