New Brunswick — Earlier this week, it was reported that a self-described “artist” falsely claimed that he had coronavirus — causing a WestJet flight to return to the airport — in hopes of making a viral video.
While he may have succeeded in doing so, his actions have provoked the onslaught of yet another epidemic: coronavirus fakers. Several cases of this strange new infestation have already been discovered in New Brunswick, according to Dr. Lisa Demby, physician at Fredericton’s Dr. Everett Chalmers Regional Hospital.
“Yes, we’ve received several referrals for patients displaying symptoms of coronavirus-faking,” she told The Manatee. “This condition manifests itself through acute laziness, metastasized indolence and general inertia.”
She gave a long list of ways in which this new condition of coronavirus-fakery has reared its ugly head.
“People are faking it to get out of a number of things. Parties, work events, friends’ improv performances,” she said. “Heck, it has even usurped fake headaches as the primary method of getting out of marital relations.
“Oh, and here is another potential case now,” she said. “Excuse me.”
She moved to greet the patient, a young girl of about seven, along with her father as they entered the room.
“Hey Doc, my daughter and I were watching all the news about the coronavirus and everything, right? And, well, she seems to have all of the problems that they listed on there,” said the father, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “So, like, I think we need a note that says she can get out of school…and I need one too, for work — y’know, to take care of her. Isn’t that right, honey?”
Responding to his cue, the daughter grabbed her stomach and cried, “Oh…Oh, my Simpsons!”
“Symptoms,” her father whispered, nudging her.
“Oh yeah. I mean my symptoms!”
After sending the pair away with a prescription for a placebo (“a fake pill for a fake disease”), she continued the conversation with The Manatee.
“Yes, it seems as though this condition is spreading even faster than the virus itself,” said Dr. Demby, giving a small cough into the crook of her arm. “In fact, I’ve been feeling a little ‘off’ myself today. Maybe I ought to stay home tomorrow.”
“You might have to anyway,” said her secretary, not looking up from her computer. “They’re calling for a snowstorm. Big one.”
“Oh really?” she said, with an amiable shrug. “Suddenly I feel much better.”