Corporations happy to report that glyphosate only harmful to plants, animals, humans

Fredericton — The Government of New Brunswick and corporations operating within the province are thrilled to report that spraying glyphosate is detrimental only to the health and well-being of living things.

“As far as we know, the chemical has zero ill effects upon corporations and their bottom line,” explained NB Power spokesperson Neil Allen to a packed press conference outside the company’s downtown office. “Yes, NB Power uses the chemical to stop hardwood growth near transmission lines, and those trees may never fully recover, but studies show we’re actually making more money by using this chemical, not less. So it’s all good, folks!”

Representatives from J.D. Irving, Limited, were likewise elated to report that, because the health of their physical employees is for some reason in steep decline, they can hire more and more New Brunswickers to make money for them, boosting not only their profit but the economy and employment numbers of the province as a whole.

“We have no idea why, but many of our forestry workers have gotten cancer and so we’ve been able to hire a fresh, uncontaminated workforce almost yearly to replace them,” said Kelly Unger of JDI. “This is by all accounts a win for New Brunswick. Without our use of the powerful herbicide glyphosate, the local economy would be dying faster than the human beings living here, and that would be a true tragedy!”

Soil biologist Tommy Vienneau has recently said that even small doses of glyphosate can cause disease in organs — this has been proven in animal testing.

“Because the chemical is being sprayed across farmland, it’s lingering for years in the soil and contaminating the food we eat,” he said at the conference to a loud chorus of booing. “Many countries have already banned it, labelling it carcinogenic. Do you really want to eat food that’s compromised by something that for sure causes disease in animals??”

“What a hippie — go back to California!” yelled one attendee, throwing a pesticide-ridden tomato at Vienneau. “Eat that, ya Debbie Downer!”

“Yeah! We can only SPECULATE about its effects on humans!” screamed Unger. “Do you want our economy to go down the toilet just because a few thousand people are getting chronic diseases?!”

After Vienneau was ushered away from the conference, journalists began to ask the important questions to NB Power and JDI.

“So, to be clear,” said a Telegraph-Journal reporter, “glyphosate is actually beneficial to your yearly net profits?”

“Yes,” they replied in unison.

“Good enough for me,” said the reporter with a shrug.