Divorce heats up as couple argues over shared Instagram account

Fredericton  — Couples on the verge of divorce will generally feud over cars, houses, money and even their children. This divorce is different for Tammy and Kevin Dumont. While their marriage started like any typical Tinder hook-up, it culminated in an amalgamation of shared social media accounts, which ultimately caused the demise of an otherwise splendid coupling of souls. The question “why are these two healthy and normal individuals arguing over more than who gets to spend the most time with their nosy curtain-climbers?” has been asked by many. The Manatee‘s crack investigative team has the answer: Instagram. More specifically; Instagram followers. 

The Dumonts are parents of 2 children and started an Instagram account back in 2009 after merging most of their other social media accounts. “If it weren’t for my masterfully artistic photos of home-cooked Pinterest meals and my ample bosom no one would even be following this account,” said a proud Tammy during a meeting with our reporter.

Hon. Donald Fink, a longstanding Instagram advocate in the community, ruled that Tammy would keep the Instagram account. “An Instagram account is a volume of precious memories. It’s an important step in a couples’ relationship to share an Instagram account and I for one have enjoyed Tammy’s content,” said Fink after his ruling last Friday.

“Tammy can think whatever she wants about the account but I started it so all the followers are technically mine,” huffed Kevin outside the courthouse. “If she wants the account I’ll fight her tooth and nail; however, there are thousands of moms posting exactly what she posts. My hashtags like #RabbitFood and #CowChow on her vegetarian meals were the x-factor. I can rebuild.”

When pressed to elaborate how he would rebuild, Kevin replied: “Who do you think applies the filters to the photos? Tammy doesn’t know her Lo-fi from her Earlybird. Without me her pics don’t stand a chance; I’ll find a new mom who appreciates my ability to know when is the right time for Walden.”



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