Fredericton — The City of Fredericton has been hard hit in recent months by the closures of multiple businesses downtown. Because of the latest snowstorm, the city has announced that, if it were a normal municipality with thriving businesses, those businesses would be forced to shut down. Theoretically.
“It’s storming, the roads are slick — we’d recommend that the remaining businesses that exist downtown shut for the rest of the day, for safety. So I guess that’d be like…what…a hair salon? Maybe a comic book store? Am I missing anything?” asked a bundled-up Mayor Mike O’Brien at a press conference just outside city hall.
“King Street is especially messy today so if there’s anything left on that street, please close and get home safely.”
Some of the recently shuttered enterprises include King Street Ale House, Second Cup in King’s Place, McGinnis Landing, Read’s Newsstand, Owl’s Nest book store, Second Spin Records and Damda restaurant. If you can think of it, it’s probably already gone for good.
“Maybe businesses downtown should just close for the whole winter — might be a more financially viable model,” suggested Deanna Warburton, who lives on George Street. “All I need is one grocery store, and the liquor store, and I can hole up on my couch till patio season. Actually…maybe that’s what everyone’s doing and that’s why no other businesses can afford to stay open?”
The only downtown business that is decidedly not closing for this storm — or ever — is Pleasures N’ Treasures on Queen Street.
“No matter the forecast, we will always be there for our customers — I mean, you can’t just close every time you get 60 centimetres of blowing snow and hail,” said manager Kyla Doldrum, who was wearing a leather dominatrix outfit under her parka. “Not everyone has a stash of weird porn videos and edible underwear for emergencies, unfortunately.”
Doldrum added that, due to the storm, the shop will be offering great deals on weather-appropriate g-strings, vibrators that double as remote car starters, and sexy shovels for sexy couples.