Saint John — Employees at OnPoint Tech in uptown Saint John have been informed that they will be taking part in a team-building activity that is meant to be as fun as it is compulsory.
A terrifying email was sent around to all 32 employees on Friday — just in time to cast a dark shadow over the weekend.
“Good afternoon, everybody!” began the boss’s note. “As you know, here at OnPoint we’re always looking for fresh, innovative ways to not only meet our goals, but to have fun doing so. I want us all to get to know each other better. That’s why, this Thursday, we’ll be having a super laid-back, all-day obligatory event wherein we’ll be each be presenting our top 10 ideas to grow the company and increase profits. Each plan must be fully fleshed out, and be applicable in the real world. Visual aids are not necessary, but are strongly encouraged. It’s time to strut your stuff, guys, and just have fun with it!
“Remember, too, to dress for the part — I don’t want to see any jeans! And the employee with the best presentation will win a $10 Tim Hortons gift card! All right!”
Murmurs around the workplace showed a divide in attitudes toward the activity.
“Cool! Just really enjoy it! Make it your own!” cheered administrative assistant Julie Smith, as she poked her head into each office to reiterate exactly what the email had already explained.
Smith, a notorious kiss-ass, added, “And don’t forget that it’s mandatory!” in a chipper voice loud enough for the boss to hear.
“I was hired to write code…not to make a goddamned sales pitch,” said Jeff Garland, whose scowl deepened with every word. “It’s cruel and unusual punishment, is what it is. This shit is so not part of my job description…I would never have signed that contract if it had said, ‘Oh, by the way, you’ll be subjected to a weekly dose of Hell on Earth under the guise of bonding with co-workers!'”
“It’s not torture, exactly…I’d call it more ‘torture adjacent,'” said slightly more optimistic new hire Farrah O’Neil, who began updating her resumé moments after receiving the email. “I just got set up at this job and already I have to quit. Yeah, it’s pretty inconvenient but what choice do I have?”
“I have so much work to do already; I really don’t have time to prepare this presentation and then to spend a full day ‘having fun’ with it,” complained Andrew Olson. “Isn’t this just wasting everyone’s time? What if my idea of fun is to get my work done and then to relax with a beer in the evening?
“Somehow I doubt that’ll fly…I think I’ll have to call in sick that day.”