Fredericton — New Brunswick is wrapping up its first ever wild turkey hunt. The question now on some hunters’ minds: what to do with the turkeys?
“You can’t eat turkey outside of Christmas. It’s against my Christian values,” said Joe Emmerson of Rollingdam. “I never really cared for the taste of turkey, anyway. I just like shooting them.”
Mike Holland, Minister of Natural Resources and Energy Development, says he has a solution for hunters like Emmerson. “My staff recently informed me that I am apparently more than just the minister of hunting,” said Holland at a news conference in Fredericton. “So I Googled NB Power and noticed they plan to continue burning coal until 2040, which has some people upset. I propose we switch to burning small-to-medium-raw-turkeys, or SMRTs for short.”
Asked if turkeys will burn, Holland replied “If you pump ’em with enough lead.”
Not everyone is pleased with Holland’s plan. During question period, Green Party member Megan Mitton asked how burning turkeys could possibly be sustainable, most likely wiping out the entire population.
Holland replied, “I was elected by the hunters, dur umm, people of New Brunswick. Not turkeys.”
In a written statement, NB Power said they are currently evaluating Holland’s proposal. “Our board has approved the establishment of a $15M research lab to study the viability of burning turkeys for domestic energy production and export. Although research is ongoing, our Magic 8 ball said, ‘Signs point to yes.’ Our team will now conduct Ouija testing to confirm.”
Holland says he’s charging forward with or without NB Power, already submitting his idea to Dragon’s Den for investment and the New Brunswick Energy and Utilities’ Board (EUB) for approval. Reached by phone for comment, EUB chair François Beaulieu said, “To be honest, this submission makes a lot more sense than his last one.”
Later that day, Irving Oil Limited released a statement with the heading: “In totally 100% unrelated news, we announce our first turkey farm.”