Saint John — It appears that the Carleton Martello Tower will be under fire once again. The federal government announced Sunday that it would be investing $13.5 million to convert the masonry fort into a giant campfire treat.
“I’m very excited,” said Mayor Mel Norton. “It’s been sitting there for more than 200 years, just looking delicious, so I’m happy to see that the federal government is as invested as we are in making the most of this historical site.”
Work on the project is already underway, with some of the country’s finest architects and pâtissiers slaving away over hot stoves preparing new designs for the refurbished tower. Not only must it be beguiling and respectful to its cultural heritage, but also 100 percent edible.
“This is a massive undertaking,” said Scott Lloyd, head of chocolate construction. “We’ve got to import over 100,000 grams worth of chocolate chips from Switzerland. That’s the easy part — the challenge is making sure that they’re secure and don’t all fall out of the side when you squeeze the crackers. That shit is annoying as fuuuuuuuuck.”
The insertion of the tower between graham crackers is expected to be the most difficult and costly aspect of the conversion, said Norton, as it will require uprooting the tower itself, and placing it between two specially made wafers.
“The crackers are not in single, solid pieces,” he explained, “but instead, they can be broken off into several hundred individual servings — one for each family in the West Side area.”
City officials say that the update is expected to be completed by late August — just in time for an end-of-summer Martello roast. Norton said he has already picked out his best scary stories.
“…And only 2 or 3 of them have to do with the city’s budget,” he said proudly.