Fitch: ‘Naughty place’ surgery may go to private clinics

Fitch: ‘Naughty place’ surgery may go to private clinics

Fredericton — Last Wednesday, the New Brunswick government announced a new pilot program to partner with private surgical clinics to clear up the cataract surgery waiting list.

Now, the minister of health has sheepishly admitted he’s looking at other private partnerships for people’s privates.

During the presser on the pilot project, Fitch admitted there is a business case for other surgical procedures to be offered outside of hospitals.

When asked for more details, Fitch turned as red as an inflamed appendix. “I can’t talk about, ah…you know…’no no’ places in front of the media! Gracious Mary! I have to be able to look at members of my church’s choir in the eye for goodness sake!”

When pressed by the press, Fitch giggled shrilly with wide eyes and sweat stains growing under his armpits.

Unwilling to relent, the media demanded clarification until a flustered Fitch finally mumbled, “You know… wieners and cookies….”

“What?” demanded another reporter. “Speak up, minister!”

“WIENERS and COOKIES!” he barked way too loudly. “You know, franks and beans with sticky buns? Smokeys and the Bandits? Pee pees and va-jay-jays? Ding-dongs and hoo-haws? Han Solos and Chewbaccas? Bingos and Bajingos? Big Birds and Abby Cadabbys? — ”

“Are you talking about penises and vaginas?” interrupted one reporter.

“OOOOHHHHHH!” squealed a purple-headed Fitch, gesticulating wildly. “Did you hear what she said?! Did you hear?! OH MY! YOU’RE BAD! BAD BAD BAD! You’re going to get your mouth washed out! You’re a dirty birdy!”

Unwilling to relent, the reporter said, “Mr. Minister, you’re in charge of health care for 800,000 people. Can’t you talk about penises and vaginas?”

Clearly overwhelmed, twitchy Fitch suddenly passed out. While collecting the minister, communications staff said the province’s gym teachers would be made available to comment on sexual health matters in the future.

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