Fredericton police, citing ‘increased pickup abilities,’ approved for armoured vehicle

Fredericton police, citing ‘increased pickup abilities,’ approved for armoured vehicle

Fredericton — City council approved a new military-grade light-armoured vehicle for the Fredericton police force on Monday, which will cost taxpayers nearly $350,000.

Critics say that such a military vehicle is unnecessary and inappropriate for civilian policing in a city the size of Fredericton; they argue that the trend of increased militarization of civilian police forces across North America sets a dangerous precedent, and creates an “us against them” mentality among members of the force and the communities they police.

“Look, we understand the concerns, but people tend to overlook the main reason we became cops in the first place,” confided an anonymous officer. “It’s to get laid, man! Our style has been cramped lately, but this purchase will put us over the top for sure! If we drive by some hot-looking ticket downtown, they’ll be literally unable to resist our charms.”

Indeed, after many months of bad press, Fredericton police insiders say their ability to get laid has been severely impacted — a problem they hope this vehicle will remedy.

“Why the hell else would a town as small as Fredericton need such equipment?” said our source. “To police the community? This badass vehicle, already called the ‘pussy wagon’ down at the station, is highly necessary. Our luck has dried up in that department lately, but look at all the action the army guys in Oromocto get! This purchase will level the playing field.”

The Manatee emailed Chief Leanne Fitch requesting comment. She responded with the following statement: “While the safety and well-being of the community was obviously considered in our request for a light-armoured vehicle, our biggest priority is raising morale among the city’s officers. With the increased pickup capabilities this new vehicle brings to the force, we believe it is a valuable and necessary piece of equipment. And everyone knows chicks dig guys in cool cars.”

Share your thoughts. We reserve the right to remove comments.