Fredericton — Owing to traffic, safety and environmental concerns, the City of Fredericton is planning to close all Tim Hortons drive-thrus by Nov. 1 of this year.
“You people should make your coffee at home in the morning, like I do,” said Mayor Mike O’Brien at a press conference this morning. “Consider it a blessing in disguise — this way, you’ll have more change for your Lotto 649 tickets and smokes.”
Certain Tim Hortons stores are more precarious than others, with the Main Street and Regent Street locations causing the most issues with traffic congestion.
“We’re still intending to add a new roundabout to the Main Street and Wallace Avenue area,” said city planner Jeff Anderson, “and remove the left-turning option off the bottom of Wallace, but just to be extra safe we think it’s best to force the Tims drive-thrus to close permanently. I mean, come on — is it really so hard to walk inside the building and order your coffee and donut?”
“It’s too hard!” cried local slob Jeremy Plifer. “I already have to walk outside to my car in the morning, walk down the hallway at work to get to my cubicle, walk from the couch to the fridge and back on evenings and weekends — and now you’re tellin’ me I have to get out of my car, walk to the door at Tims, pull the door open, and stand in line? This should be a federal crime!”
Other Frederictonians couldn’t empathize more with Plifer’s plight.
“The 10 minutes I spend idling in the Timmies line gives me time to wake up each morning, and collect my thoughts for my busy day ahead,” said Andrea Lister. “And in the winter it’s too cold to get out of my car. I know, I know, the idling and exhaust fumes and all that are bad for the climate, but what’s the climate ever done for me? Isn’t global warming a hoax anyway?”
Police say that ticketing people for blocking the streets leading up to drive-thrus has done nothing to solve the problem.
“If anything that just made people more determined; I fined one guy $500 one morning, and he was back again in the same spot blocking the road the very next morning!” cried Const. Kelly Roach. “How can that two-buck watery coffee be worth it?!
“So, unfortunately, Fredericton just has to just force-close the drive-thrus altogether. Except for us police, of course…I’m not getting out of the cruiser just to get my tea and cruller — no way!”
In a statement, parent company Restaurant Brands International explained they don’t care whether the Tim Hortons drive-thrus shut down in Fredericton, because people will still buy the sub-par products with the same frequency and urgency.
“You’re already hooked,” wrote Shara Randstadt, head of communications for RBI. “At this point we could serve you actual liquid shit and you’d still be there every morning, afternoon and evening to buy it. Do your worst, Fredericton!”