Frederictonian announces grand opening of 420 Café

Fredericton — After months of chronic procrastination, local entrepreneur Ben Foley announced the grand opening of the 420 Café in downtown Fredericton. “Man … I’m totally stoked,” echoed Foley from the depths of his cavernous poncho. “People are going to lose their shit when they try my patented spaghetti and chilli-dog burritos.”

The 420 Café is the latest addition in a bumper crop of green-friendly establishments sprouting up across New Brunswick. “Ben is a real wizard,” claimed City of Fredericton Mayor Brad Woodside. “His café could be just what the capital city needs to ignite its stagnant snack market.”

Through a thick haze of incense, the café’s interior seems to be lined wall to wall with couches, lava lamps and obscure Salvador Dalí posters. “This is the kind of place where you can sink into a beanbag chair and just pig out on a plate of microwaved butter sandwiches,” Foley insisted. “Or if you just wanna mellow out we’ve got bongos, Magic Eye books and a million bootleg MP3s with all the latest Winamp visualizations.”

The menu, handwritten on the lid of a pizza box, contains what can only be described as an indiscriminate combination of comfort foods. “Where else could you go in the middle of the night and get a gourmet bacon and Funyun sandwich?” mouthed Foley while chewing his snack over the kitchen sink.

“All my ingredients come from local farms and convenience stores,” boasted Foley. “Local food is the bomb. They must be putting something in the Saint John River to make everything so damned flavourful.”

When asked where his cuisine ideas come from, Foley replied: “I dunno man. Sometimes the ideas just spark up and burn inside my head … And I’m like whoa! I should really write that down.”