Fredericton — Ever the optimist, Premier Brian Gallant is putting a positive spin on New Brunswick’s increasing problem with obesity, saying that “at least now the population is growing.”
“I hoped people would move here and the population would grow that way,” he explained, “but, that just hasn’t been working. No matter how hard I hope or wish, people just don’t want to move their families here from other provinces. And without fail, at every single debate or question period I go to, someone is asking about population growth. The answer has been right in front of me all this time, literally everywhere I look — New Brunswick is full of fatties.”
Currently, New Brunswick is listed as the 3rd most obese province in Canada trailing only Saskatchewan and Newfoundland. And Gallant thinks this is something for the province to hang their hat on, or their plus-sized jacket.
“I think everyone gets caught up in the number of people when talking about population size,” Gallant argued, “but that’s just one narrow-minded way to see it. If you look at the overall girth of our population, we’re close to the top — and we’re showing positive growth.”
The premier told The Manatee that he’s going to “ride this wave of blubber” all the way to higher approval ratings by doing whatever he can to ensure the New Brunswick population continues to grow.
“I think it needs to start with our children,” he went on. “So we’re getting into the schools. No more milk cartons for 50 cents, no more healthy snack options and no more salads. Beginning immediately students can expect so see what I like to call ‘happy foods’ in their cafeterias. Milk is being replaced with Coke, veggies are being replaced with Doritos, and salads are being replaced by McDoubles.”
Gallant encouraged busy parents to help out by choosing fattier foods for their kids on the go.
“Have you seen how many Subway restaurants we have in this city?” he asked with annoyance in his voice. “Don’t get me wrong — I love getting my mouth around a 12-inch Italian as much as the next guy, but we need more McDonalds. We need more Burger Kings and KFCs. I’m going to do whatever I can to bring at least one Fat Tuesday’s to the province — that’s a restaurant name I can get behind.”
Our reporter interviewed patrons of Fredericton’s Regent Mall food court about Gallant’s proposal and found reactions to be completely positive.
“I’m so tired of trying to be skinny!” exclaimed Andrea Love while chewing on a Double Teen Burger from A&W. “This way we can just stop the charade and celebrate who we really are.”
Oliver Astles had a similar opinion. “I hate eating healthy and exercising,” he admitted. “I go the gym once a month and it almost kills me every single time.”
Gallant is optimistic that this plan will help him put a positive spin on the population growth question in New Brunswick, but he does have a backup plan if this one falls flat.
“If this doesn’t work — and that’s a big ‘if” — then I think we’ll start revamping our sex-ed classes in high school to talk about how much better it feels without a condom.”