New Brunswick — He may be the most handsome, but polling suggests Brian Gallant may not be the most likable candidate out there this election season.
Advisers to the premier have suggested the 36-year-old try to be more relatable to “everyday New Brunswickers”…whatever that means. Because he wasn’t sure just what an “everyday New Brunswicker” is, Gallant is trying out a mishmash of different styles, hobbies and ways of life he’s heard normal, hardworking citizens enjoy, such as complaining about the weather, playing the lottery and drinking heavily.
“And of course, I’ve been wearing head to toe camo, and hanging around popular Tim Hortons locations where I’ll have the most chance of being seen by the most ‘everyday New Brunswickers.’ I’ve had to take up smoking to really sell it — so much for my white smile.” The premier then bummed a smoke from a Tims customer who looked pretty “everyday New Brunswicker” and awkwardly lit the Player’s Light, wrinkling his nose.
“Oh god…this is…this is disgusting.”
Other ways the premier is becoming more likable? Plastering his wife Karine’s face next to his on his huge tour bus, and parking that tour bus outside mom-and-pop diners where he hangs out with “everyday people” one on one.
“I’ve had to eat a lot of pie — there goes my figure, too,” he reported, looking down at his growing gut. “From talking to people, though, I’ve learned that they really seem into this concept of ‘common sense’ — the more rural you get, the more they talk about common sense. Some of them say that’s all they look for in a candidate. Oddly, though, not one person could define it or even give an example of what they meant. So it’ll be very difficult to implement into the Liberal platform. That said, I hereby pledge to bring back common sense.”
Gallant even put up one of those “rural lives matter” signs on his own lawn, and on the lawn of the Legislature in Fredericton.
“Rural lives don’t matter only out in butt-fuck-nowhere New Brunswick — they matter right here in the capital city,” Gallant told our reporter, not very convincingly.
Zealand man Archie Brewer said he has no plan to vote Liberal, no matter how much camo the premier wears.
“He offered to buy me a scratch ticket at the convenience store the other day. I took him up on it, but I didn’t make him any promises on which way I’m voting,” Brewer recalled. “Soon as the election’s over he’ll be right back to his fancy suits and his bilingualism and his exercising and whatever else he does. He ain’t foolin’ me.”