New Brunswick — Fed up with the province’s dwindling economy, blowback from pro-life advocates and managing a complicated shale gas moratorium, Premier Brian Gallant decided it was about time for a road trip.
“I never knew that this job would be so crazy,” said Gallant outside of Coconuts Bar and Grill in Cozumel, Mexico. “You always have to deal with this thing, you have to solve that problem, eventually your head gets all like ‘ahhhh’ … you know what I mean?”
This was the first interview with Gallant after he decided to take himself and his entire cabinet on a paid vacation to Mexico early this week. When he spoke with The Manatee’s reporter, he was into the third day of his trip, and on his fifth amaretto margarita.
“You guys are the only news organization I trust not to spin this story. Everyone’s gonna be like ‘there goes that crazy Brian, spending tax dollars on himself.’ But it isn’t even like that. Think of how much better I’ll be at my job once I’m relaxed, and more confident in my appearance — just check out this sweet tan!”
As sweet as the premier’s tan may be, the paid vacation has received a great deal of criticism within the province.
“The people of New Brunswick want to have their cake and eat it too,” he said, shovelling a spoonful of vanilla-dusted pandoro into his mouth. “They want a stronger economy, but are not willing to pay for it.”
According to cabinet member Denis Landry, the minister of Natural Resources, the trip was not exclusively recreational. Although they are allotted plenty of leisure time, Landry assured The Manatee that the members of the cabinet continue to be hard at work.
“Oh yeah, sure, I’ve been doing some natural resourcing while I’m here,” he said. “Naturally resourcing these mothafuckin’ drinks into ma mothafuckin’ mouth, BITCH!”
The rest of the cabinet cheered in agreement.
“Dude, it’s like this,” said Gallant, placing his hands onto the table. “I’m trying to lead by example. I don’t want trips to Mexico for just me and my bros; I want trips to Mexico for every single man, woman and child in the province — and I’m willing to fight for it.”
He took a contemplative sip from his Sapphire Sin.
“As soon as I get back, I mean.”