Gigantic 'Mother New Brunswick' statue to beckon youth home from Alberta

Moncton — In a last-ditch effort to lure youth home, the Government of New Brunswick is funding the construction of a grotesquely massive statue just outside the Greater Moncton International Airport. The statue, to be created by first-year NBCCD students as part of a forced group project, will depict a New Brunswick mother with a can of Alpine in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a you’d-better-get-yer-arse-back-here-right-now-or-there’ll-be-hell-to-pay look on her face.

“The idea is that it should be a familiar sight to our young people,” said Premier Brian Gallant at a press conference this morning, pointing to a rough mockup he’d done with crayon on construction paper. “But it should also be a threatening sight — just looking at my blueprint here sends a shiver down my spine.”

Screen Shot 2015-07-02 at 9.33.28 AMMoncton Mayor George LeBlanc elaborated on the thought process behind the statue. “When young people come to the airport to board a flight headed out West, they’re going to see the statue, and think, ‘Shit, I can’t leave my mom just so I can try to make enough money to survive and have some sort of future.’ They’ll be torn, at least, and that should keep some of them here.”

A number of Monctonians are expressing distaste at even the concept of such a monstrous erection. “What an eyesore,” said 57-year-old Tim Hortons patron Martie Hayes while sipping an OREO Iced Capp. “If anything it’ll scare young people away, not make ’em stay. What’s the government thinking??”

“We’re thinking we’ll only spend maybe, like, $150,000 on the statue,” Premier Gallant told this Manatee reporter. “It was either this or another strip club on Mountain Road, but this is a lot more wholesome, I think. And there’s a good chance Alpine will foot the bill for construction. I haven’t asked them yet, so keep that on the down-low, but yeah, they’re usually cool with whatever.”

The Manatee was unable to find any young people in Moncton to interview about the statue, but we’re pretty sure that once it’s built, they’ll come back to get a look at it.

 

  1. Lol. Should be in Mount Carlton Provincial park to compete with the Mother of Canada monument in Cape Breton.

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  2. What a fantastic article,share it all over Cape Breton to wake them up to what is going on
    In our beautiful highlands.Shana chase, you are one fine funny, very able writer

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  3. Heather Whalen July 2, 2015, 11:07 pm

    My thoughts? Baaaaaaaahaaaaa!!!

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  4. This was originally published April 1st right.

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  5. well, this would never lure me back to new Brunswick. nothing like promoting smoking and drinking (alcoholism). but then maritimers are known to be big drinkers as there is nothing else to do there. this is an insult to all new brunswickers and all of us from there.

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  6. Awesome.. let’s encourage our children to drink and smoke… probably the 2 most detrimental things one can do.

    And how is this statue going to lure people down here? Will it create jobs? No. Will it generate revenue? No.

    Waste of our fucking tax money.

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  7. Obviously some people just don’t get the concepts of sarcasm and parody. The more we poke fun at Mother Canada the more ridiculous the whole project appears. Well done Shauna Chase!

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  8. Before you get your panties in a bunch, this is a satirical website (it’s not serious) so lighten up!

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  9. Ann-Marie Hunter July 3, 2015, 3:46 pm

    I certainly hope that this satirical article can bring to light the horrific plans that Harper and his friends have to build the disgusting “Mother Canada” statue in Cape Breton! I feel so bad for those of you who live there, very sad for the park and embarrassed as a Canadian that this is even planned! Surely, if enough of us stand up in protest, we CAN make a difference and stop the project!

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    • Many of us who live in the area are not against the idea. Personally I think it is an honour to have this monument to our veterans so close to home. Sure, there are things I would change about it (the size, for example), but it is in a beautiful location and it would add to the view.

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  10. Too funny. Just a little objection, which is the free use of the term “down-low”. Google it.

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  11. Delightful. (Kudos Shauna Chase.)
    Readers who aren’t familiar with the Manatee’s mandate should read to the bottom of the page (the disclaimer) before commenting.

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  12. The statue on the picture is actually in Saguenay Fjord in Quebec. It’s a very nice place. Should we rename it Mother Quebec ?

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  13. As long as it’s bigger than Campbellton’s salmon and Nackawic’s axe, I’m all for it.

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  14. I don’t think that the provincial government is that stupid ! This has to be a stupid joke.

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