Saint John — It’s a busy morning in uptown Saint John. Truck drivers are unloading. Bank patrons are making deposits. Parents are dropping off the kids at the swimming pool. Executives are taking care of business. Making it all possible is a complex series of tubes and infrastructure — something Mayor Don Darling says people don’t think about when they do their business in the city.
“Providing this service is a messy job, but we’re proud to do it,” said Darling. “We’re just asking that outlying communities pay their fair share.” Darling is referring to the job of providing sewage treatment. It’s a service funded entirely by residents of Saint John through property taxes. “Commuters and visitors are downloading software for free. That’s not sustainable.”
It’s an issue that now has the attention of provincial government. Minister Jeff Carr announced a financial sustainability plan for Saint John earlier this week with 20 recommendations, 19 of which are focused on liquidating the assets.
“We realize Saint John has significant financial challenges ahead, which quite frankly, we don’t know how to fix. However, as minister of both environment and local government, I knew exactly how I could best help Saint John. I believe it starts with our rear ends.”
The report recommends a special task force to implement a regional poop strategy. Carr announced the leader of this task force will be Burt “Turd” Ferguson, an expert in sanitation enforcement.
Ferguson will be enforcing the newly implemented “poop pass,” a punch card which grants commuters and visitors one poop per punch during their stay in Saint John. “The punch card can be used on city transit as well, so it’s a great value. Unfortunately some early adopters misunderstood and thought it meant they could drop a biscuit on the bus. I want to be very clear: please stop pooping on the bus.”
The Manatee joined Ferguson for a poop raid, which is an audit of poop passes at public washrooms.
“Everyone off the can and on the ground!” shouted Ferguson. “This is a poop raid! Please have your poop passes ready for inspection.”
One person refused to open the stall door. Ferguson kicked it down. “Hey! Pinch that poop and show me your pass!”
The raid was successful, according to Ferguson. However, an entire day of raids only yielded a total number of two unauthorized poopers.
Despite the enforcement challenges, Minister Carr is hopeful the regional poop strategy can be a model for other communities across the province.
“Fredericton and Moncton have no shortage of illicit shit. I could see this system working very well in those areas. Burt Ferguson should be very proud of his work. Thank you, Turd!”