Ottawa — Stephen Harper has officially resigned from politics after almost a decade as prime minister of Canada and nearly 17 years in the House of Commons. The former MP for Calgary-Heritage plans to head to rural New Brunswick where he will finally dedicate some time to finding out who Stephen Harper is, really.
“I just need to be alone and figure my shit out,” said the infamous 57-year-old. “I haven’t had any me time since, like, before I got into politics and I was just playing with my band in dive bars. I barely know who I am anymore.”
Harper chose the specific chunk of New Brunswick wilderness — which he’ll only say is somewhere between Boiestown and Blackville — for sentimental as well as practical reasons.
“My great-great-grandfather, Horace H. Harper the third, lived in rural New Brunswick, in a small cabin he built with his own two hands. Family legend has it that his ghost still roams the land, warning people of some future evil offspring… not sure what that’s about.
“More importantly, I heard the cabin is still intact, so I won’t actually have to construct my own shelter.”
Harper plans to begin work on what he calls “the next great Canadian novel” and live completely off the grid, trapping his food, drinking maple sap and wearing animal pelts.
“I’ve always been a recluse at heart,” said the former prime minister. “In my darkest hour, I considered starting a consulting firm despite not really knowing what ‘consulting’ even is. I think I’ll have a lot more clarity when I’m alone and forced to confront my truest self.”
He also said that he wishes to pursue and develop even more creative endeavours: songwriting, poetry, calligraphy, photography, pottery, knitting (specifically sweater-vests), and figuring out once and for all whether he does have a soul, despite This Hour Has 22 Minutes’ frequent claim that he is a robot.