Higgs cool with fracking because he won’t be around to witness its results

Higgs cool with fracking because he won’t be around to witness its results

Sussex — New Brunswick’s oldest-ever premier declared in the legislature last week that his cabinet could soon order exemptions to a province-wide moratorium on fracking to allow shale gas development in the Sussex area. Because’s he’s so ancient, Premier Higgs said, the possibility of environmental fallout from fracking is “no big deal.”

“Hell, what do I care? I’m 64 — chances are pretty good that nothing I do as premier will directly impact me, Blaine Higgs. So I say go for it!”

Former premier Brian Gallant accused Higgs, who won a key confidence vote on Friday, of going back on a statement made in his throne speech indicating he’d share more of the executive power on major decisions with the legislature.

“Fracking is a hugely contested issue in New Brunswick and everyone should have their say — especially the young people,” said Gallant. “I’m only 36 and frankly, I’d like to see this province last at least another four years or so…because then I’ll be 40 and my life will basically be over anyway. But of course Old Man Higgs doesn’t give a shit what happens — he’s on his last legs, the ol’ geezer!”

Some Sussex residents are starkly opposed to shale gas development in their area, citing the possibility of unforeseen results such as contaminated water and a host of other issues around climate change.

“Yes, there is certainly major potential for fracking to be an economic boon to the area, and to create jobs, et cetera,” said Beth Gregson of Sussex. “But at what cost? I don’t want Corridor Resources to induce earthquakes that’ll destroy my family’s property; I don’t want to turn on the tap to find the water’s brown and toxic — or whatever end-of-the-world shit might go down once the PCs go forward with this. It’s scary!”

“Clean water? Who needs it!” scoffed Higgs. “I have enough strawberry Ensure stored away to last until the apocalypse or till I kick the bucket — whichever comes first.”

Higgs added that he does not understand why Green Leader David Coon cares at all about the possible negative impacts of hydraulic fracturing.

“I’m not sure of Coon’s age, but he must be getting up there,” said Higgs, who then paused to cough loudly for five full minutes. “So what’s it to him whether we frack the heck out of this province? You can’t take your precious ‘environment’ with you when you die, but you can be buried with your money.

“Maybe no one’s let him in on that little secret.”

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