iRock confirms reason for impending closure: ‘cougar still on the loose’

Fredericton — The cougar that was on the prowl at the iRock nightclub last Thursday night is still lurking on the premises, club owners have confirmed.

A woman in her 40s brought the cougar along to the club last week in an attempt to connect with a Tinder match whose picture showed him with a live tiger. For the past 8 days the animal has been living off spilled alcohol, so it is not only extremely dangerous, but is reportedly irritable and prone to drunken fits of rage.

iRock’s Facebook announcement. Click to enlarge.

“Everyone has been afraid to approach the crazy thing,” said Paul Fullarton, iRock co-owner. “We’ve been calling animal control but they’re pretending they’re too busy to deal with this. We’re at our wit’s end here.”

“We’re being forced to shut down because the cougar has just taken over,” he elaborated. “If animal control won’t take care of it, who will? We’d cut off its booze supply, but that only seems to piss it off further. It just sits by the bar night after night, snarling at paying customers.”

“It’s the most surly creature we’ve had around here — and that’s saying something,” he added, shaking his head in dismay.

Misty Gallant, a “shooter girl” who works Friday and Saturday nights, failed to show up for her two shifts last weekend, and police are investigating whether the cougar has something to do with this.

The club is closing its doors Nov. 1 after nearly 25 years in business. Fullarton assured the iRock’s loyal patrons that, until then, the drunken cougar is no reason not to frequent the establishment. “We’re hosting a jungle party tonight; if you can’t beat him, join him, I guess.”

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