Irving Oil calls employees ‘family,’ subsequently commits ‘filicide’

Irving Oil calls employees ‘family,’ subsequently commits ‘filicide’

Saint John — Irving Oil, New Brunswick’s biggest employer and moocher, says that it does not view its workforce in “traditional” terms.

“Here at Irving, we don’t like to refer to our workers as ‘employees,’” company president Ian Whitcomb told The Manatee. “To us, we consider them family. And, like a family, we strongly believe that everybody should service the patriarch and expect nothing in return.”

Like most neglectful parents, the company offers the bare minimum of care to its “family members,” ignoring important health and dental needs, denies their growth and frequently places them in harm’s way.

Recently, to keep with the metaphor, this “neglect” has escalated to “filicide,” after the company announced 60 layoffs in Saint John, in addition to severe contract reductions last year.

The provincial government says that it has expended “every resource” to try and help the company properly provide for its “family.”

“We tried to provide as much aid as possible, we’ve forgiven millions in debts, given tax cuts,” said Premier Blaine Higgs. “Frankly, we don’t know what else to do.”

Perhaps work toward emancipation?

“Good lord in Heaven, no,” said Higgs. “I was once a part of the Irving ‘family’ myself. And, as the old saying goes, an abusive father is better than no father at all.

“Besides,” he said, with a small, sad grin. “Look how I turned out.”

Share your thoughts. We reserve the right to remove comments.