Cork — Irving Oil has announced plans to expand its borders beyond the Picture Province to slowly but surely infiltrate the British Isles, starting with the purchase of the entire country of Ireland.
“It was a natural progression for us; after thoroughly gutting New Brunswick, we had to set our sights on another disenfranchised place where people barely suspect us,” said Irving Oil Chairman Arthur Irving. “We figured it’d be easy enough; the comparisons between this province and Ireland are many. They love potatoes, just like New Brunswickers. They love to drink, too. They’re no strangers to poverty, and they have lots of open space for us to exploit.
“Most importantly, though, the Irish people I’ve come across don’t mind selling their souls to a corporate master. Like New Brunswickers, they seem to believe that allowing an imperialistic company to have a hand in their every pursuit will help them in the long run. And that’s great for the Irving agenda.”
Ireland’s sole oil refinery, Whitegate, located near Cork, was the only organization to put up a fuss about the transaction.
“We of course wanted to remain the only refinery in the country, not be swept up in some gargantuan merger,” said a Whitegate spokesperson. “Right now we’re privately owned, and if this ‘Irving Oil’ owns the country, they’ll surely take over the refinery first. They haven’t even told us how much we’ll make in the sale — it’s an ‘undisclosed’ amount.”
The purchase of Ireland will realize Irving Oil’s long-held dream of shipping its culture and dominance’s reach across the Atlantic. “One thing many Irish people aren’t aware of is that we’ll be welcoming the famous Guinness brewery into our business empire,” said Irving. “We’ll be changing the recipe, but not too drastically — might add a drop of our oil to each pint, so people can quite literally acquire a taste for Irving.
“We’re also going to transform some famed tourist locations, putting an Irving spin on things, if you will. Instead of kissing the Blarney Stone, for example, visitors will be invited to kiss the lips on a statue of J.D. Irving, who began the Irving empire back in 1881.”
At home in New Brunswick, many people are feeling abandoned by Irving. “What’s so great about Ireland?” asked Saint John man James Boyden. “I thought if the Irvings had a wandering eye, they’d look to more suave, cool places like Italy or France, not crappy old Ireland, which is basically an older and less cool Miramichi. Or at least to Scotland, where they originally came from. It just doesn’t make sense to me.”
Irving Oil wishes to assure New Brunswickers that the company has not forgotten its roots, which lie deep under the soil of the Picture Province, where the best oil has always been found.
“We just want to explore other options,” said Irving. “It’s not you — it’s us.”