New Brunswick — The Irving family has a new business to throw in their vast portfolio: brewing beer. At a press conference this morning, an Irving spokesperson announced the launch of Irving Breweries, Ltd. in Saint John — based in an underground warehouse that nobody knew about, and which had actually been in operation since January 2016. ANBL is allowing the Irvings to sell their products exclusively at their ANBL agency store locations in Irving gas stations.
“This is a milestone for the Irving group of companies and for New Brunswick as a whole. After years of quality liquids in the form of oil, pulp and more, we are now selling quality liquids that people can actually consume,” said Terry Larson, Irving spokesperson.
“This will be a big boost to the New Brunswick economy, and will create meaningful, long-term employment. We are also happy to say that each bottle purchased will also get you two ‘Pump up the fun’ contest vouchers. Additionally, we are in preliminary talks with ANBL about taking over control of all liquor production and sales in New Brunswick.
“Bye!” said Larson, immediately leaving the press conference without taking any questions.
According to documents circulated among reporters, there will be 6 new Irving beers for sale beginning in July, and if all goes as expected, more will be launched in the fall and sold at other ANBL locations. Irving Breweries negotiated a special exemption from ANBL taxes and will sell the beers for $2.50 per bottle. The beers listed are:
Uncle Jim’s Greasy IPA (Irving Pale Ale)
-An overly hopped IPA that boasts a thick, too-rich mouth-feel as it slides down your throat, with an aftertaste that pleasantly burns the palate.
Wood Mill Pulpy Radler
-Inspired by our historic pulp mills, this authentic radler uses real orange-juice flavouring with pulp from local hops mashed by former pulp mill employees.
Black Gold Stout
-The name says it all. You’ve struck gold with this stout that is swimming in flavour with hints of chocolate, coffee, oil, and tax evasion.
-You don’t get to create a province-wide dynasty without taking some risks. Similarly, every brewery has to take a risk and try their own take at the German doppelbock. Our risk paid off — this strong beer has no perceptible taste because the alcohol content is so high. May contain 5% ethanol.
Media Monopoly Malty Brown Ale
-This ale was created with an ingredient suggestion from each advertising department at each of our many newspapers spread across the province. The result is a wild ride through something that we are legally allowed to call a “malty brown ale”!
That’s Why I’m With J.D.I.P.A.
-A special treat for employees of J.D.I., this Irving Pale Ale incites a sense of patriotism and loyalty to the company with its severely under-hopped, inoffensive watery taste.