Justin Trudeau nominates Brian Gallant for lapdog position

Justin Trudeau nominates Brian Gallant for lapdog position

New Brunswick — Coming shortly after the news that Trudeau has nominated University of Moncton president Raymond Théberge to be the country’s new official languages commissioner, the prime minister made a second announcement that he would also be appointing New Brunswick Premier Brian Gallant to be his pet dog.

“Just one month ago, my children lost Shuffles — a pet and very special member of our family,” said Trudeau, in a televised speech. “Sophie and I are hoping very much that Mr. Gallant will be able to fill that dog-sized hole left in their little hearts.”

Accepting this appointment would, of course, mean that Gallant would have to leave both the province and his post as premier to fulfill his domestic role in Trudeau’s Ontario home.

Not wanting to subject the province to another messy election, Gallant took the advice of his cabinet to try and automate the responsibilities usually upheld by the office of the premier. This, presumably, is what led to his decision to leave the highest political position in New Brunswick to a PlayStation 2.

Gallant called a small press conference in front of Fredericton city hall Thursday night to make a brief farewell statement.

“Tomorrow, I am off to Ottawa, where I may better serve my country and party as a dog,” he said, stoically. “I am confident that PlayStation 2 will be able to fulfill the role as well as I could have.”

His voice broke with emotion. He cleared his throat and continued.

“It is hard for me to leave the province that I grew up in, that has been so good to me all these years,” he said. “But duty calls. Under the prime minister, I will be standing up, sitting down, and rolling over for the things that matter most to Canadians. I intend to do my very best to be a quote-unquote ‘good boy.’”

The press frantically pushed forward, shouting over one another in an attempt to catch the premier’s attention.

“Thank you. I will be taking no further questions in human-speak,” he said, stepping down from the podium. Thinking quickly, reporters attempted to translate their inquiries into barks and yips.

“Woof!” “Ar..uh..ARF!” “Moo!” “Bow-wow, Mr. Premier!”

Ignoring these calls, Gallant turned and walked back to city hall, enthusiastically wagging his ass.

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