Saint John — The Port City is easily New Brunswick’s most wonderful place, but residents are too humble and down-to-earth to admit it. If you visit Saint John and try to pay the city a compliment, anyone within earshot will blush and mumble a self-effacing comment out of sheer embarrassment.
For example, if some ignorant fool dares to criticize Saint John online, residents are so secure in their city’s excellence that none will even bother to engage the critics, and certainly not over a period of several weeks — they have much better things to do with their time.
Here are 12 traits that modest Saint Johners won’t tell you because they don’t want to seem arrogant, and because they know in their hearts how great they are — they don’t need you to confirm it.
- The Uptown boasts a thrilling night life: Several new bars, restaurants and music venues make night time the right time to spend in Saint John. It’s literally impossible to be bored in this city because there is always, always something exciting happening. It’s more fun than New York, London and Tokyo combined.
- The mayor has a great sense of humour: Don Darling loves a good joke even more than his predecessor Mel Norton (who, while also wonderful, is not known for his quick wit or ability to laugh at himself). Darling especially enjoys uplifting gags that help Saint John. If you’re ever wondering whether something is funny, just call the Mayor’s Office and run it by Darling — he’s sort of a comedy barometer.
- Saint John is objectively the most beautiful place on the planet, and it’s a goddamn sin that it is not yet considered one of the Seven Wonders of the World. One day, it will be.
- It’s the Loyalist City: Saint Johners are incredibly loyal to their hometown. Not everyone understands the concept of municipal allegiance, but Saint John residents know that if you’re consistently loyal to your city, it will be loyal to you in return. In fact, for every time a Saint Johner defends their home against ridicule, the City mails them a medal of honour.
- It’s the business capital of Canada: Saint John-based startups have grown by 500% in the last year, and will make up 90% of the nation’s economy by 2020. Without Saint John, the entire country would be financially ruined.
- It’s home to a benevolent family of job-creators: The Irvings are a well-known wealthy family who run several New Brunswick industries. They have a reputation for putting people over profit, no matter the cost to their bottom line. And where do these types of people choose as their base of operations? You guessed it: Saint John.
- It doesn’t matter where you are in the city, nor the time of day — every single inhale bestows fresh, clean air upon your grateful lungs: That’s a City Council guarantee. Similarly, the water is always clean and you’ll never need to boil it before drinking. You can even fill a water glass directly from the harbour and it will be crystal-clear and pollutant-free.
- There is no poverty in Saint John: Ever since the city implemented Universal Basic Income for its residents in 2015, every person has a warm home, a nourishing meal on their plate, and a smile on their face.
- #SaintAwesome is always trending: The internet is never NOT blowing up with this hashtag. In fact, Saint Johners are so on top of their social media game that every visitor to the city is guaranteed thousands of new followers to their accounts from the residents.
- Every day, a volunteer adds a $100 bill to a treasure chest on Partridge Island. It’s an unspoken rule that no Saint Johners will take the treasure for themselves, as they selflessly hope a low-income tourist will claim it while exploring the island located just outside the port.
- While the rest of the province struggles with literacy, Saint John is the only city on Earth where people are actually born knowing how to read and write fluently in at least three languages. They never even get “you’re” and “your” mixed up.
- Saint John was originally supposed to be the capital of the province, but because Saint Johners are just so generous and kind, they offered the title to Fredericton as a gesture of goodwill. If you mention this fact in Saint John, people will give you a knowing wink, and then move on with their day, working hard for their beloved city.
Remember, although these fabulous qualities are apparent to all, it’s better not to mention them in Saint John, because residents will just smile demurely and deflect any praise you try to offer.