Grand Falls — After failing several safety inspections and impaling six people, it was determined that Little River Bridge No. 2 is no longer able to serve its purpose. Consequently, the bridge will soon be removed to make way for the proposed Big Ass Little River Jump.
The plan is to demolish the bridge in its entirety and place two small ramps on either side, inviting brave travellers to hop their vehicles across. Apart from being totally rad, this is expected reduce both construction and maintenance costs significantly.
The venture is being headed by Transportation Minster Chadwick Horner III, who insists on being referred to simply as “Chad.”
“Man, I just get super pumped about things like this,” said Chad, taking a deep sip of lean. “I freakin’ love unique infrastructure.”
He paused, thoughtfully. “No homo, tho.”
Previously, Chad has been the driving force behind such varied projects as three-foot speed dips and replacing the Route 11 highway with a Slip ‘N Slide. A political trailblazer, Chad also considers himself something of a Renaissance Man.
“Actor, rapper, painter, horse breeder, multi-instrumentalist,” he said, listing off on his fingers. “And bitch you know I built this sweet-ass motherfuckin’ ramp with my own two hands.”
He proudly pointed to a slightly slanted object that appeared to be equal parts plywood and drywall. “I still have to paint, like, flames at the end and all. But I got a couple West 49 and Crabbe Mountain stickers on there already. See?”
Chad said they still need to demolish the existing structure and have the project approved by the provincial government, but he expects that the ramp will be ready for drivers to jump by April of this year.
“But don’t try and jump that shit in a Subaru or nuthin’,” he said, removing his shades and giving reporters a stern look. “That’s just naive, cuz.”