Local malls: ‘Recently divorced middle-aged guys pay our bills’

Local malls: ‘Recently divorced middle-aged guys pay our bills’

Moncton — It’s only because of recently divorced middle-aged men that Maritime shopping malls are solvent.

The shocking news was revealed to The Manatee by Dack Daniel, menswear manager at Dandy Dude in Dieppe’s Champlain Place mall.

According to Dack, every week middle-aged guys in grungy shirts and camo jackets show up for the first time ever at his store, mumbling “I need clothes” with a slightly dazed look.

“I ask them, ‘Recently divorced?’ and every time I’m bang on,” said Dack.

“So I do my best to make the guy look good for his big Plenty Of Fish date, and he’s so grateful he doesn’t even look at the bill. They often pop by afterwards to thank me, and buy more clothes.”

They are by far his best customers. “Other people come into the store and try stuff on. Then the assholes just scan the tag with their phone and walk out, and order it later at Amazon or whatever.”

Inquiries by The Manatee at various stores in the Champlain mall revealed a similar story. Most people do their few actual purchases at Walmart, and just use the other stores to scope out nice things they can buy cheaper online.

The middle-aged divorced guys, on the other hand, keep the home decor, jewelry, chocolate, soap, lingerie and perfume boutiques afloat, just to name a few.

Said Olivia Maush at Misty Fern Candles: “After the breakup, they have no idea how to shop or what to buy. They drive to the mall and park at the edge of the lot as usual, but they can’t wait for the wife in the truck like they used to.

“So they take a deep breath and enter the mall — terra incognita for the poor bastardd — and ask random salespeople for advice on clothes or decor for their new bachelor condo. And when they start dating, they’re clueless as to nice romantic gifts.

“They’re usually pretty sweet, they have money and they buy a lot of stuff…so we bend over backwards to make sure their shopping trips are a success.”

The women’s boutiques also benefit.

“When they start going out with a new lady, they want to buy her clothes and shoes,” said Josée Mir of Meandering Hem Skirts.

“Unlike their ex, the new girlfriend is fresh and exciting. So they like to accompany her and watch her try on stuff — it turns them on, I guess. She usually has to cool the guy’s jets a bit or it would be nothing but stilettos and thongs and really inappropriate clothes.

“But all in all the girl doesn’t mind — even if she knows it’s half the price online, he’s the one paying. And at least it’s a happy outing together, because Lord knows, they usually have almost nothing in common unless she likes trucks and hockey.”

Our inquiries to other Maritime malls revealed the same story everywhere. The malls are cautiously optimistic about their future, given that most of these guys break up with their new girlfriend and have to start all over again every year or two.

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