Local pub only accepting ‘free-thinking’ anti-vaxxers as customers

Moncton — With many borders and businesses closing their doors to unvaccinated Canadians, a Moncton business owner and self-described “Alpha Wolf” has decided to retaliate by only serving customers who have not been vaccinated against COVID-19.

“If you’re willing to blindly let the government stick untested chemicals in your body, I don’t want you in my establishment!” said Brent Munn, owner of Muddy Waters bar.

Munn, who has signs on his door saying “NO masks aloud!!”[sic] claims that he’s taking a stand against government interfering with the public’s freedom. “If you held a gun to my head and ordered me to get vaccinated, I’d still say no. I stand behind my principles, unlike most in this province,” said Munn.

Next door to Muddy Waters, business owner Julie Gallant said that her establishment is only allowing vaccinated customers.

“You should see the type of idiots walking into Muddy Waters. Hicks, conspiracy theorists, a man literally wearing a tinfoil hat,” said Gallant. “The only consolation is that they’re all packed together in one place. I’d hope they all get COVID and learn their lesson, except I don’t want it clogging up the hospitals or spreading to my customers.”

At the time of the interview, Muddy Waters was full of like-minded customers not wearing masks and boasting to each other about how enlightened they are.

“I’m not welcome in my own job anymore, because I work with a bunch of sheeple,” said Hank Little, sitting at the bar and wearing a t-shirt with the slogan “The government is lying to you.”

“It’s scary to see how many people blindly just do whatever they’re told without doing any research. Humans have been fighting the cold for thousands of years and survived this long just fine!”

The Manatee reporter, increasingly worried about getting COVID-19 and mentally making a note to file a claim against his employer with WorkSafe NB, excused himself to go to the washroom, where he found more customers eager to share their views on vaccination.

“I don’t want that poison in my body!” cried Tammy Jenkins, while injecting heroin outside the women’s washroom. “Just wait another year and you’ll see that all these vaccinated people will drop dead. Mark my words.”