Fredericton — “The conditions were perfect,” Fredericton local Luke Rankin told The Manatee. “The sun was shining, the snow was deep, and the beer was cold.”
By definition, “alpine” can refer to lofty mountains, high elevations, or in the case of New Brunswick, a popular brand of beer. With the PyeongChang Olympics well underway, millions of Canadians have been tuning in to support their athletes throughout the many events, one of which caught the eye of Rankin.
“Well I was watching from home, working my way to the bottom of a two-four of ‘Pine, when it hit me.”
Crabbe Mountain sits just north of Fredericton and has an elevation of 403 metres, while Sussex’s Poley Mountain rises up 280 metres, and though neither mountain is considered overly large, they are still popular attractions for locals and tourists who enjoy spending their days on the slopes.
“Alpine skiing just sounds so fun,” he continued. “It combines my two favourite things in the world, and while I admit I may have misunderstood the rules, I still had a great time and didn’t really hurt anyone.”
Rankin did in fact hurt many people, Crabbe Mountain officials told us.
“We found what I’ll only describe as an impressive amount of empty beer cans at the top of one of the trails, so I figured we had a group of nine or ten drunk teenagers floating around somewhere,” security official Ricky Evans said.
“That’s when I heard the commotion over my walkie-talkie; apparently there was a colourfully dressed moron on skis that had passed out on his feet and was unconsciously barrelling his way through dozens of helpless families who couldn’t get out of the way fast enough.”
It took a team of four security personnel another two hours to catch up to the unconscious renegade, who apparently kept coasting to the foot of the chair lift and being swept up without his knowledge, only to be cast off and down the hill again.
“When we finally caught up to him it was apparent that he’d been asleep for a while. Must’ve been muscle memory that kept him standing or something,” Evans continued. “I mean honestly I’m more impressed than I am mad, but I’ve received a mountain of complaints about him — no pun intended — and it’s my job to enforce the rules, so his skiing season unfortunately has to come to an early end.”
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