New Brunswick — Flower growers nationwide rejoiced after the Tiger King’s Carole Baskin announced she would be stepping in to purchase all floral headbands normally sold to FeelsGood Folly Fest attendees after the beloved Maritime music festival had to cancel due to the pandemic.
The three-day festival, which normally takes place early each July in New Brunswick, attracts young people from across the Maritimes, many of whom wear loose-fitting clothing perfect for dancing and floral headbands ideal for attracting bees and butterflies to enhance psychedelic trips. Big Flower makes 20 percent of its annual Canadian profits off of Folly Fest attendees.
When Carole Baskin, whose own daily floral headband-wearing habit costs 10 grand yearly, heard that the festival was cancelled, she immediately contacted FTD (Florists Transworld Delivery), a world leader in the flower industry to make a deal. She spoke to us via Skype from her home in Florida:
“Hey all you cool cats and kittens! When I found out that Folly Fest would be cancelled this year, my heart immediately went out to all those poor wannabe hippies living in Atlantic Canada, 60 years too late, with no outlet to express their love of music and each other this year. But then I realized this was a true opportunity for me to get something I wanted and needed.”
Carol stroked her long blonde hair, petted the five cats on her lap, and continued:
“Why, without Folly Fest, all of those beautiful flowers would otherwise just wilt and die in the sun if they didn’t get turned into headbands, and well, it reminded me so much of Joe’s poor tigers. I spoke to FTD and got all the floral headbands I’ll ever need — for a song! I mean, no one else is wearing them, what with all of the music festivals cancelled this year. I’ll just keep them in the freezer, next to Don’s bones, um, I mean next to the tiger food.”
June Wright, a P.E.I. daisy farmer, spoke to us about Baskin’s mass flower purchase:
“I mean, it’s bittersweet. On the one hand, at least the flowers won’t be going to waste; I’m happy for that. On the other hand, it’s Carole Baskin, who nobody likes, and she didn’t even pay us market value for the flowers — I just barely broke even. But you know, that’s Baskin for you; she always gets whatever she wants.”
At press time, Joe Exotic was in jail, still mumbling about “that bitch Carole Baskin” and working out the logistics for getting his hands on all the illegal Folly Fest drugs that would have normally been consumed during the weekend of music.