Saint John — Port City man Jake Drost found himself in an unpleasant situation at a party this weekend when another man, his co-worker Sean Mullins, began mansplaining to him what it means to mansplain.
“The thing is, I pretty much wrote the mansplanation manual,” Drost mansplained to our reporter. “Who does Sean think he is? Some kind of mansplaining master?
“You see, the thing about mansplaining is that it’s condescending when it’s supposed to be helpful and informative,” he continued unprompted. “Not everyone realizes that they’re mansplaining even as they’re doing it — Sean is definitely that type of man. But I not only understand mansplaining, I also regularly mansplain to anyone near me, man or woman.”
According to eyewitness reports, the two men found themselves caught in an endless cycle of mansplanation from which there seemed no escape.
“I thought they needed a woman for this process but I guess these two will just mansplain to each other until they’re blue in the face,” said Julie Hendricks, who had the misfortune of being privy to the most obnoxious portion of the two men’s mansplanations. “They kept interrupting each other, saying ‘well ACTUALLY’ and getting louder and louder. I’m used to idiot guys talking down to me, but these men had never been on the receiving end of it, apparently. They were becoming very hostile.”
Another witness, Karen LeBlanc, said she heard most of the exchange and as far as she knows, the two men spent hours mansplaining what mansplanation is to each other.
“God, what a couple of blowhards,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I work with them but I always avoid them in the elevator or at events because one or both of them tend to mansplain things to me that only a moron wouldn’t understand. Like, yes, I know what it means for wine to be ‘dry,’ I know how to use the photocopier, I understand gas mileage. Doesn’t matter the topic. These patronizing assholes can mansplain anything.”
A cursory glance at both men’s Facebook pages revealed dozens of statuses concerning their “feminist” take on current affairs, in which they mansplained every detail of a complex global issue in a simplistic way, so even the women in their friends lists could understand.
“You see, what even educated people don’t seem to understand about the glass ceiling is that it does exist — it’s very much a problem,” droned the insufferable Drost in a status update. “Women may have access to more opportunities than they used to, but the fact of the matter remains that the glass ceiling has yet to be shattered. We men have a responsibility to see to it that women become equals in the workplace as in other arenas of life.”
Drost’s Facebook friend Mary Martin commented in agreement, which made him immediately switch sides and start playing devil’s advocate.
“That said, I DO see the value of a meritocracy — we can’t have a thirst for diversity squash a skills-based labour force, though that temptation will certainly present itself in the coming years,” he mansplained.
“Ugh, all that guy does is pander and argue,” said Martin with an exasperated sigh, closing her laptop. “He thinks he’s such an intellectual. What a bore.”