Chipman — Ontarians, and especially Torontonians, are notoriously condescending toward their Atlantic Canadian cousins, and many Maritimers are finally speaking out against what’s now being dubbed “Toronto-splaining.”
This weekend, a benevolent Ontarian who was touring the East Coast took the time to Toronto-splain some very basic concepts to a lowly New Brunswicker.
“They think we’re all ignorant hicks out here,” said Evan Goodine of Chipman, N.B. “So this hipster douche I just met in line at Tims started telling me about some very prevalent types of ethnic food — as if I’d never stepped foot outside of Chipman. He was like, ‘Have you ever heard of pho? Contrary to how it’s spelled, its pronunciation isn’t as straightforward as you may think,’ blah blah, on and on. What a tool.
“They think they’re bestowing upon us this invaluable information. So to play into it I just started replying as if I’m the redneck he assumed I was. Like, ‘Whoa, thankya, buddy — turns out I didn’t know nothin’ about nothin’!'” quoted Goodine. “‘I was born n’ raised here so it sher is nice havin’ a Turrahna feller lettin’ me know how it is — really opened my eyes, I tells ya!’
“He looked so self-satisfied and proud I swear I almost punched him in the face.”
Lorne Harvey of Summerside, P.E.I. said when the Ontario tourists visit the Island, they take great pleasure in Toronto-splaining Islanders’ own culture to them. “Oh, they never tire of enlightening locals on how ‘quaint’ our little towns are, how nice it must be for us not to have to deal with the TTC, how ‘leisurely’ the pace of life is compared to their hectic — read, important — city of Toronto. It’s like they’re trying to convince themselves, not us.”
Dartmouth, N.S. native Shelly Ingersoll owns a bar and says Torontonians who drop in always make sure they’re speaking loudly enough for everyone to hear while they order some pretentious drink that isn’t even on the menu.
“They strut in, explaining that any bar worth its salt would have this item. ‘Well in TORONTO,'” she mimed, “‘this is considered a staple, not an extravagance,’ and so on. You just have to humour them, but it’s getting old quick.”
Psychologist Harry Morgenson of Fredericton, N.B. said that Torontonians, because they have an unwavering belief in the superiority of their city, rarely leave it, so when they do, they feel the need to preach about its advances to anyone who’ll listen.
“I’ve personally studied the phenomenon of Toronto-splaining,” explained Morgenson. “It’s strange to me that they think they’re the ultimate authority on everything from fashion to music to science. My Toronto subjects actually could not resist talking down even to me, as if I were some back-woods bumpkin just dying to hear their advice and insights. It’s as fascinating as it is annoying.”
Reporters from The Manatee managed to track down a Torontonian visiting Fredericton, Amanda Everson. She seemed confused when we said we write satirical news, saying, “So you guys make up little jokes about being fishermen and lumberjacks? That’s adorable. In Toronto, though, our humour is much more subtle and refined…”
Regarding Morgenson’s findings, Everson Toronto-splained in her most patronizing voice: “Awww…that’s so cute that they have psychologists in New Brunswick! I thought you all just, like, lived in log cabins and hunted muskrat or something. But I guess you have your own little community set up and everything. So cute.”