Sackville — A Toronto professor says Atlantic Canadians really need to work on their seduction techniques if they want to attract disillusioned Americans to their corner of the world.
“Someone as awful as Trump will make the average New Brunswick resident look sexy and the average Newfie seem intelligent by comparison,” said professor Warren Coleman to a crowd of students at Mount Allison University last week. “That’s why Atlantic Canadians should step up their game — lose a little weight, improve on their wardrobe — and get some serious American attention.”
Professor Coleman explained that, with the disastrous outcome of the recent U.S. election, now is the time to focus on catching the eye of Americans looking for a better life. “We could triple the population of the Maritimes and stimulate the economy for decades to come just by getting fed-up Americans to move here. And the only way to do that is to show them what they’d be missing by staying in the States.”
Coleman gave the crowd at Mount A some tips and tricks for attracting people south of the border.
“Wear a clean shirt instead of an old one you found on the floor,” he said, while students scribbled furiously in their notebooks. “Try flossing your teeth sometimes. Maybe eat a salad instead of that extra-large poutine from Smoke’s or that panzarotti from King of Donair.”
Coleman said that Americans love money, so Maritimers should flaunt their cash — even if they don’t really have it.
“If you’re talking to an American, drop hints so they know you’re flush. Say something like, ‘Oh, I just got back from the Moncton Casino’ or ‘I cleaned up on the VLTs this weekend.’ You’ll be irresistible.”
The crowd listened as Coleman explained that Atlantic Canadians have a very limited window of opportunity. “If we don’t act fast, Americans will move to other cool places instead — such as Cuba, Korea, or Russia. But those other countries don’t offer unique Maritime activities like giant lobster traps, sea cucumber touch tanks, and long stretches of bumpy highway with nothing but clear-cuts as far as the eye can see.”
One of the lecture attendees, Lily Smith, is so keen on the idea that she purchased a self-help book titled How to Make American Friends (with Benefits) and Alienate Other Nationalities.
“Look at it this way,” she said. “America always calls Canada its ‘little brother.’ Well, there comes a time in your life when the going gets tough and you have to crash on your little brother’s couch for a while,” said Smith.
“He won’t mind, because he owes you for all the times you scared away his bullies, lent him money, or introduced him to his now-wife.”
Another attendee, Mark Fitzpatrick, said he plans to practise his newly learned seduction techniques in the comfort of his own home before applying them to culture-savvy Americans.
“I’ll learn to cook, develop refined tastes in music and wine, start wearing a cologne that isn’t Axe, buy real Alpine instead of Molson Cold Shots — just improve upon myself generally. I’ll even buy some books and spread them around the apartment so I look like someone who reads.
“Anything to help my homeland succeed.”