New Brunswick — Following Florida’s controversial decision to reopen their beaches despite the number of confirmed COVID-19 cases continuing to rise, the provincial government is considering reopening their own beaches later this spring.
Provincial heads gathered Saturday to discuss the matter on the advisement of Mayor Larry Vaughn, a character from the 1975 film Jaws.
“Frankly, I don’t think that opening up our beaches at such a pivotal time in this crisis is such a good idea,” said Tourism Minister Bruce Fitch. “But I’m such a huge fan of Jaws, and it’s not often that we get celebrities coming down here to discuss political matters, so I thought we should at least hear him out.”
Reopening these beaches would include hiring full-time lifeguard staff as well as providing permits for various concession stands. The beaches under consideration include Shediac’s Parlee Beach, Saint John’s Nature Park, and Kelly’s Beach in Kouchibouguac.
“You gotta think of the tourism dollars,” said the fictitious Mayor Vaughn, gesturing toward his prepared slideshow. “Sure, we can expect that it’ll be down slightly regardless of whether or not you reopen the beaches. But, if you open these locations as early as May 1st, you could potentially stand to gain as much as $3,000!”
Suddenly, they heard a sharp screech behind them. There sat Premier Blaine Higgs, his nails scratching down the length of the conference room’s chalkboard.
“Y’all know me,” said Higgs, chewing noisily on a donut. “Y’know how I make a living. I’ll open these beaches, sure, but I value my neck a whole lot more than $3,000 bucks, chief. I don’t get out of bed unless it’s for Irving money.
“$10,000, chief. That’s my price,” he continued. “For that you get the beaches, ‘essential worker’ permits — the whole damn thing.”