Mayor Woodside unveils new citizen-protection strategy in wake of iRock fiasco

Fredericton — On Wednesday morning at a press conference at city hall, Mayor Brad Woodside unveiled phase II of the public safety program he and former premier David Alward jointly conceived in 2012: the Woodside-Alward Safe Township Experiment (or WASTE as it is referred to in the press). The city will be taking control of the former iRock building in a proactive effort to prevent any potential strip clubs setting up shop there.

strippersWhen asked whether there were any indication — any indication whatsoever — that a strip club was planning on opening in the location, a member of city council who wished to remain anonymous said, “No, none whatsoever. But part of our job is to protect the good citizens of Fredericton, and not only to react to threats, but to act beforehand to eliminate threats before they are even thought of. It’s just good governance.”

Another anonymous council member, when asked whether the money should have been spent on something more important  such as road repair or insanely long lines at the hospital, answered, “No, you’re looking at the small picture. Sure, those things are issues as well, but with finite resources, we need to prioritize what we spend money on. And frankly, we think that Frederictonians potentially being exposed to titties downtown at hours when most business are closed anyway is a much more pressing concern then those other things you mentioned.”

“After successful implementation of Phase I of the WASTE program, where the city spent $300,000 to install shark netting on both ends of the Saint John River, we are pleased to enact Phase II and we fully expect similar success,” declared Mayor Woodside. “Since we installed the shark nets, there has not even been one shark attack in the Saint John River.”

When reminded that there had never been a shark attack even before the netting went up, the mayor was brisk in his response. “Well, that’s a matter of interpretation. One thing that isn’t, though, is that since the netting went up, not only has there not been an attack, there hasn’t even been a shark sighting. And we have the WASTE program to thank for it.”

The mayor outlined the next phase of the WASTE program, which will be implemented next month. “By August, our plan is to spend roughly $400,000 purchasing the vacant lot that housed the former bus terminal on Regent Street. This will be done to ensure that ISIS does not establish a base this close to the downtown core. Terrorism is one of the greatest threats facing Western civilization today, and we must do everything we can to prevent it from taking root downtown. If they do come, they’ll have to set up operations in Geary or somewhere else.”

Fredericton citizens are strongly criticizing the city’s spending priorities. Woodside defended his council’s budget decisions. “Look, of course we’d like to fix all of the issues facing the city at once. But that’s just not realistic with the finite resources we have. The city council and I have decided that we need to tackle what we call ‘The Big Three’ first: sharks, titties, and ISIS. In that order. After that, if there’s some left over, we can look at things like roads or education.”

  1. Brilliant!

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  2. I wonder if getting rid of the commercial loading zones on king street is another safety issue or is it to raise money to buy another night club.

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  3. Odell park is an extreme fire hazard in the city. It could threaten many homes and business if it were to catch fire. I can only hope that council will decide to burn it down in a controlled burn under the new WASTE program.

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