Fredericton — Millennials across the Maritimes are laying down some ground rules for their baby boomer parents — who claim they “just need to go out and grab a few things over town” and then they’ll come right home — during the COVID-19 outbreak.
“I’m not trying to be hard on you; this is for your own safety,” said Hailey Olsen, 31, to her indignant 62-year-old parents. “You socialized plenty in the last few months — remember that big Christmas party at the neighbours’? — so why don’t you hunker down and get some work done around the house. Do a crossword puzzle, watch TV, bake some cookies. And don’t give me that look!”
Olsen’s father Dave pouted, exclaiming, “But Bob’s allowed to go out! He texted and said he’s already on his way over to pick me up!”
“And if Bob’s daughter let him jump off a bridge, does that mean you should too?” the younger Olsen replied.
“Ugh, you’re so embarrassing!” cried Dave, running upstairs and slamming his bedroom door.
It’s as of yet unclear why boomers feel the need to go out now, of all times.
“My dad never leaves the house. He’s basically always in quarantine, just by choice,” said Anna Keith, 34. “But I called him today to check up on him, and Mom said he was out running errands. He’s never run errands in his life! What could he possibly need to do?”
Keith speculated that boomers believe the whole coronavirus pandemic situation has been blown out of proportion, so due to reduced traffic and cheap gas prices, it’s actually a perfect time to accomplish things in public such as getting their Timmies, having an oil change done, getting a haircut, buying groceries, and even early Christmas shopping.
“My mother called to ask me if I need anything while she’s out…I told her to just go straight home and stop touching items that hundreds of strangers have touched,” she went on. “But Mom said she’s never been sick a day in her life and doesn’t plan to start now. I grounded her, but she just won’t listen to me! Well, we’ll see how she likes it when I take away her smartphone privileges!”
Other millennials are forcing their parents to stay put through more practical means.
“No, Mom, you can’t go up to Fabricville and no, Dad, you’re not going to Princess Auto. There’s nothing you urgently need there, and there’s lots for you to do at home,” said 29-year-old Owen Anderson to his grumpy 63-year-old parents. “I hid your car keys so you don’t get any ideas.
“I know it feels like you’re invincible, but that’s just not the case. You’ll thank me when you’re older.”